And one day Abraham sat in his tent door in the heat of the day, and he resented Sarah for making them retire to such a warm climate.
And he lifted his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them he knew it was the Lord and His angels.
And Abraham said, “My Lord, I did not know You would come. I pray Thee, let me fetch You some water so I may wash Your feet under the tree, and I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort Ye hearts; and after that Ye shall pass on: for I am a servant of the Lord.” And they said, “Do so, as thou hast said.”
And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, “Quickly cut and ready three loaves, knead them, and make cakes upon the hearth.” And Sarah said, “Why?” And Abraham said, “For the same reason thou lets me chew on thy hair in the night: because it is what I hath commanded thou to do.”
And Abraham ran out unto the herd, and fetched a tender calf, and gave it to a young man and ordered him to cook it up and serve it. And the young man said, “Why?” And Abraham said, “For the same reason thou dances before me for three hours every Wednesday night: because it is what I hath commanded thou to do.”
And the three men sat beneath the tree, and the first said, “Who does this guy think we are?” And the second said, “I don’t know but just go with it. I love me a good foot washing. Damn.” And the first said, “Goddammit, stop it with this foot obsession of yours, I’m sick of hearing about it.” And the third said, “Hey, don’t judge. He’s into feet, you prefer watching, and I’m super into boning old married ladies. We’ve all got our thing.” And the first said, “I do not prefer watching.”
And they saw that Abraham was returning and they silenced themselves, and he carried butter, and milk, and the calf which had been cooked, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat as he washed their feet.
And Abraham said unto them, “So, how’s the whole getting-my-wife-pregnant thing going?”
And the first man spat out his milk, and the third man said, “Um, what?” And Abraham said, “You promised my wife shall bear a son, yes?”
And the third man did clear his throat, and he said, “Y’uhm, yes. Yes I did say that. Your wife, whose name is, um… uh…” And Abraham said, “Sarah.” And the third man said, “Yes, Sarah, I knew it was Sarah. She’s here now?” And Abraham said, “Oh, yes, she’s in the tent.” And the third man said, “Then you shall fetch her for me, for I am the lord and thou must do as I say.” And Abraham said, “Anything, for I am a servant of the Lord.”
And Abraham left to fetch Sarah. And when he did, the first man said, “What the fuck are you doing!?” And the third man said, “Shh, I just want to look at her.” And the first said, “Nope. We’re stopping this right now. We got fed, we got our feet washed, now let’s get to Sodom and destroy the fucker before the nocaeb wears off.”
And Abraham returned with Sarah, and said, “Behold, honey, for you stand in the presence of the Lord and His angels, and it is He who shall get you pregnant with my seed.” And the third man said, “Hey babe. I hope you like the outermost layer of trees… ‘cause I’m about to make you bark. Like a dog. Sexually.”
And Sarah laughed at the third man. And the third man was frustrated, and said, “Girl, I hope you’re into astrology, ‘cause you’re about to see stars from all the orgasms I’m gonna give you.”
And again Sarah laughed at the third man. And the third man was frustrated, and said, “Thou needn’tst laugh, unless thou likes corn chips, ‘cause thou is about to get Frito-Lay’ed”
And Sarah was in tears from laughter, and the third man was furious, and said, “Why hast thou laughed at me?” And Sarah laughed, and said, “Because You’re the biggest dork I’ve ever seen.”
And the third man said, “Thou know not what thou say! I got game, I got so much game, I’m like… I’m like a guy who collects board games. Or something. I don’t know.” And Sarah fell to the ground, and she was laughing from the dorkiness.
And the third man said, “You know what? I don’t know who the fuck you people are, but fuck you. You just sit there, a couple of old fucks, makin’ a man feel bad about his body, which he didn’t choose, by the way. Peeping Tom over here gets the good body, meanwhile I’m stuck in this fucking dillweed who looks like the part-time assistant manager at a fucking bank in some mini-mall.” And the first man said, “Stop calling me that! It was first come, first serve. Maybe you should, I don’t know, stop banging the oldest woman in existence and focus on the mission!” And the third man said, “You’re just jealous because she likes me.” And the first man said, “No she doesn’t! She’s just trapped in an eternal midlife crisis!”
And as the first man and third man argued, Sarah went back into the tent, and the second man rose up from thence with a large satchel, and started toward Sodom, and Abraham went with him to bring him on his way.
And Abraham asked where he was going, and the second man said, “I’m goin’ to Sodom. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “Cool, cool. What business doth thou have in Sodom?”
And the second man said, “A great evil is in that place. I’m goin’ to blow it up. Damn.”
And Abraham had known his brother Lot was in Sodom, and he feared for his brother, who was pretty dumb, but evil was he not.
And Abraham said, “Whilst thou smite the righteous along with the wicked?”
And the second man said, “Sho’ nuff. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “Whilst thou not spare the fifty righteous therein? For if there are fifty righteous men in Sodom, surely they shall die with the wicked.”
And the second man said, “If I find fifty homies in Sodom, I won’t raze it. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but a flea on the back of a cow in an endless heard, I am of little worth to question thee… but what if there be forty-five righteous men in Sodom? Surely an angel of the Lord shall not smite forty-five righteous men along with the wicked.”
And the second man said, “If I find forty-five homies in Sodom, so too will I not raze it. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but one hideous morsel of asparagus stuck in the teeth of a giant thousand-toothed worm, I am of little worth to question thee… but what if there be forty righteous men in Sodom? Surely an angel of the Lord shall not smite forty righteous men along with the wicked.” And the second man said, “If there are forty homies in Sodom, Sodom shall be spared. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but a mere flyaway hair in the left armpit of a sasquatch, I am of little worth to question thee… but if there are thirty righteous men in Sodom, shall they be smote with the wicked? For thirty righteous men surely should not be punished with the guilty, in the eyes of the Lord.” And the second man said, “Man, if there be thirty homies in Sodom I can roll with, then destroy Sodom I shall not. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but one iPhone 6 in an ocean of iPhone 7’s, I am of little worth to question thee… but if there were just twenty righteous men in Sodom then surely Sodom must be spared.” And the second man said, “For twenty good homies I surely shall not destroy Sodom. Damn.”
And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but one copy of Spider-Man 3 who doth not even remotely compare to the first Spider-Man movie that is the might of the Almighty, I am of little worth to question thee… but for only ten righteous men in Sodom thou must surely reconsider.” And the second man said, “For just ten tight homies I will not destroy the city of Sodom. Damn.”
And Abraham left the second man on his journey, and he journeyed back to his home where he dwelt.
And when Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, “Behold, I am the Almighty God.”
And Abram said, “Yeah, I know who you are. We’ve met like dozens of times.”
And Abram fell on his face: and God said, “See? That’s what you get when you question Me. I like to make entrance, okay?”
And Abram said, “Okay, sorry. What’s up, God?”
And God said, “Abram, you are to become the father of many nations, but thy name shall be Abraham; all the best leaders have three-syllable names: Washington, Hannibal, Donald Trump, Et Cetera. I know that ‘Et Cetera’ has four syllables in his name but without him the planet nearly explodes in the year 2186 A.D.”
And Abram said, “Okay, I can do that. Can I still use ‘Abram’ as a nickname?”
And God said, “No, you’re Abraham now.” And Abraham said, “Okay.”
And God said, “I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee, and thy hernia shall be fixed.”
And God continued, “And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee, and thy generations I shall make this everlasting covenant, and the covenant shall be everlasting between Me and thee, thee and thy generations, and the generations thy spawn shall be in this covenant everlasting, and thy covenant with thee shall last forever, for thee and for thy generations, with this everlasting covenant with thee.”
And Abraham said, “You’re rambling, Dude.”
And God said, “I’m not rambling, I’m building up the suspense. This is really important to Me, Abraham.” And Abraham said, “Okay, what is it?”
And God looked to Abraham and said, “I need you to slice off part of your ding-dong.”
And Abraham said, “My what?”
And God said, “Your schlong, your manhood, your John Thomas. Your eggplant, your peen, your starship trooper. I just want you to take a little bit off the tip, that’s all.”
And Abraham said, “Um, okay, that’s completely insane. Why would I ever do something like that?”
And God said, “Because that is the covenant I’m making with you. You’ll get lands and nations and you’ll be remembered for generations to come, and in exchange, you do this for me. And because I’m fucking God, and if God tells you to carve out some dick, you carve out some dick. When I tell you to jump, you say ‘how high.’ And when I tell you to take a blade to your dingus, you say ‘how high.’”
And Abraham said, “I don’t feel so good.”
And God said, “Yes, I understand. Hence it is he among you that is eight days old who shall be circumcised, for he would not feel it, and also that is the number of penises I may or may not have.”
And Abraham said, “I feel faint,” and God said, “And every man in your home shall be circumcised, he who is born unto you and he who is bought with money, and he who serves you. All shall be circumcised in your home, for that is the covenant I make with thee.”
And Abraham fell on his face again. And God took Abraham up again, and said, “Do this for Me and I shall reward thee with a son that thy wife shall bear in one year.”
And Abraham said, “God, I’m literally one hundred years old. And Sarai is ninety-nine. She couldn’t bear children at her age even if that hyena hadn’t ripped out her uterus.”
And God said, “Oh yeah? Well what if I were to change her name to Sarah? Think maybe she’ll bear children then?”
And Abraham said, “Uh… no? How would that change anything?”
And God said, “It changes everything, trust Me. Also I’m gonna look out for your son Ishmael, I’ll give him a nation too or whatever. Just know that My covenant is with you and your lineage after Isaac.” And Abraham said, “Wait, who’s Isaac?” And God said, “Isaac is the name of your son with Sarah.” And Abraham said, “Why dost thou name me and my wife and my children?” And God said, “Wouldst thou let a goat name itself? Or a calf, or a lion? Why shouldst I let a human name thyself?” And Abraham said, “Fair point.”
And so Abraham went into his home and took every male servant, and he said, “Drop trou,” and drop trou they did.
And Abraham lined them up side by side in their nakedness, and blindfolded them so they wouldn’t know, and he ran across the line of dongs and holded a sword against them, and they were circumcised.
And when his son Ishmael was thirteen Abraham took a knife to him and circumcised him as well. And then Abraham circumcised himself, and it was a nice little father-son activity.
Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, bare him no children because of a disease she contracted after not washing her hands: and she had a handmaid, and her name was Hagar, and she was an Egyptian, but that was fine because Sarai didn’t see color due to a form of blindness from that hand-washing disease.
And Sarai said unto Abram, “Behold now, the Lord hath not solved our fertility problems yet, and my biological clock is ticking: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; make her super pregnant that I may have children by her, and I shall watch.”
And Abram said, “That’s so hot, babe,” and yea was it hot.
And he went in unto Hagar, and Sarai watched and ate popcorn as she watched but it didn’t ruin the mood or anything.
And Hagar conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived Sarai was despised in her eyes, because hormones or something.
And Sarai said unto Abram, “My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bed, and when she saw she had conceived she just immediately turned into such a bitch.”
But Abram said unto Sarai, “Behold, I have seen this before. That night was but a preview of my skills in bed, and she is jealous of thee for getting the whole feature film each night.”
And Sarai said, “Um, yeah, I don’t think that’s it,” and Abram said, “Shh, it’s okay babe, you don’t have to hide it. Regardless, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee.” And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from Sarai.
And the angel of the Lord found Hagar by a fountain of water in the wilderness, and there were mushrooms growing in the fountain.
And he said, “Hagar, why thou camest here? Shouldn’tst thou be serving Sarai hand and foot?” And Sarai said, “Just hand, I’m not a footmaid. I fled from my mistress, who was harsh with me.”
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. I don’t know if this is a worker’s rights issue or a women’s rights issue, but it’s a few thousand years too early to complain.”
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered, for behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael,” but really the angel sneezed and it sounded like “Ismael,” and Hagar just went with it.
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, every man’s hand against his, for he shall be a high-fiving champion; and he shall dwell in the presence of his brethren.”
And Sarai wiped the tears from her cheeks and said, “Okay. Thank you, that makes me feel better.”
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “No problem. Thanks for not freaking out over the fact that I have bird wings and know everything about you.” And Hagar said, “No, it’s cool.”
And Hagar went back to Abram and bore his son: and Abram called his son Ishmael.
After these things the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, and He said, “Fear not, Abram, for I am thy shield, and thou willst be rewarded for worshiping me.”
And Abram said, “Look, God, you keep saying that you have my back and all, but really all I want is a child, and thou hast me going seedless. Who’s going to inherit all my shit? Sarai’s idiot nephew who got his tongue stuck to a shepherd’s crook the last five consecutive winters?”
And behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, and the Lord said, “He shall not be thine heir, but he that shall come forth from thine bowels shall be.”
And Abram said, “Ew, what?” And the Lord said, “Yeah, there was probably a better way of wording that. What I’m trying to say is I’ll solve your fertility problems, bro, don’t worry about it.” And the Lord brought Abram forth and said, “Look now toward heaven, and if thou be able to number the stars, so too shall thy seed be numbered, because sperm and stuff.”
And Abram believed the Lord, saying, “Who am I to question Someone wearing a turtleneck.” And the Lord said, “O, this isn’t a turtleneck. This is where My foreskin is and I’m not circumcised.”
And Abram said, “Hmm, gross.”
And the Lord said, “Anyway, as I was saying, yeah, you and your people will inherit a whole great big land. In fact I can show you but you’re gonna have to do something for Me first.”
And Abram said, “Anything, my Lord.”
And the Lord said unto him, “Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and twelve drummers drumming, and eleven women named Piper, ten pictures of Lorde, nine strippers, eight lactose intolerant maids, seven copies of Black Swan, six lords of the rings, five toe rings, four fried chickens and a coke, three french fries, two purple gloves, and the Partridge Family on DVD.”
And Abram took these unto him, and chopped them up into little pieces and divided them, and laid each piece against another: but he didn’t chop up the birds because that would be weird.
And when the vultures came down among the carcasses, Abram drove them away like one might drive away from a gas station one just accidentally robbed.
And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram, and a nightmare fell upon him, probably due to the serial killer stuff he had done that day.
And a great many horrors were in this nightmare: a salad fat shaming a hippopotamus, a balloon with teeth, a Friends reunion, and a horse riding a person.
And lo did the Lord speak to Abram in this dream, and He said unto Abram, “Know surely that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall be servants; and shall be afflicted four hundred years;
“And also that nation whom they shall serve, will I judge, but I shall do nothing to prevent the suffering of thy seed; And afterward thy seed shall come out with great substance, and shall always be craving Chinese food.”
And it came to pass that when the sun was high the next day so to was Abram awake from his sleep.
And Abram thanked the Lord for his vision. And the Lord said, “No prob, Abram. You My boi.”
And Abram said, “Why did I have to gather and chop up all those things, though? And why could You only tell me that when I was sleeping? Wait a sec, You’ve never spoken to me when other people were around… can I only hear You in my head?”
And the Lord said, “Alright, hold up right there. I know where this is going because I can see everything. No, you’re not crazy, and yes, I’m real. If I wasn’t real then could I do this?”
And the Lord snapped His pincers together, and when He did it began to rain Dippin’ Dots from the sky.
And Abram laugh and forgot his woes and frolicked among the Dots, and the Lord laughed and frolicked with him.
And it came to pass that a war broke out between the kingdoms.
And in this war was Amraphel, King of Shinar, who specialized in hand-to-hand combat, Arioch, King of Ellasar, who specialized in demolitions, Chedorlaomer, King of Elam, who specialized in swords and hip-hop dance fighting, and Aquaman, King of the Sea, who specialized in sushi.
And against them was Bera, King of Sodom, who specialized in butt stuff, Birsha, King of Gomorrah, who specialized in being Nebula’s sibling, Shinab, King of Admah, who specialized in being a good listener, Shemeber, King of Zeboiim, who specialized in racism, and Zoar, King of Bela, who specialized in being the last thing in a list of things.
Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled for Chedorlaomer was an unfair ruler who cheated at Monopoly and ate the other king’s lunches without asking permission.
And in the fourteenth year Chedorlaomer smote the shit outta some people.
And Chedorlaomer and his fellow kings moved through the lands.
And they burnt cities and pillaged towns and searched for the betrayer kings.
And there went out the kings of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, to face the kings in battle.
And there was a great battle, and kings were clashing swords and flipping through the air, and yea were a great many explosions had been made.
And the rebel kings were defeated and driven back, and it was super embarrassing for them.
And they took the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and went their way.
And the kings of Sodom and Gomorroah took Lot for reasons that no one on Earth has ever been Abel to explain. Seriously, no one on Earth Cain tell you why.
And there came that a woman had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew, and he did not believe her.
And then there came a man that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew, and he did not believe him.
And then did Abram the Hebrew receive a text from Lot that said, “Bro been kidnaped send halp.”
And Abram sent Halp that he might find Lot, and Halp returned, and told Abram that it was so.
And Abram armed his trained servants and pursued after Lot, who at this point in the story ceased to become Abram’s nephew and is now Abram’s brother, probably due to some cool creative intermarrying thing that the Lord is clearly okay with but every time I bring it up at Thanksgiving I’m the weird one.
And Abram divided himself against the armies, he and his servants, by night, and gave ‘em all a damn good smoting.
And he brought back his brother Lot, and all his goods, and the women also, but left his money clip accidentally.
And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return, and the kings were with him, and they saw what Abram had done.
And Melchizedek was the king of Salem, and was also the priest of the most high God, and was also a free mason, and was also dating someone way too young for him, and was also drunk most of the time, and was also accosted in several public areas in the past week for his odor alone, but most of that isn’t relevant right now.
And Melchizedek blessed Abram for leaving his cash, which he thought he had done on purpose.
And the king of Sodom approached Abram and said, “Why have you taken only that which belonged to you? Why have you taken your goods and no one else’s?”
And Abram said, “Um, because I’m not a selfish fucking idiot who just takes a dude’s relatives and women and goods and such.”
And Abram and his wife and Lot went out of Egypt, into the south.
And Abram was very rich in cattle and dolla dolla bills y’all.
And Abram journeyed even to the place he had been before his Egypt excursion, and unto an alter he had built.
And Lot also had flocks and herds, but mostly of rodents since Abram called all the good stuff.
And the land could not bear them for there were not enough places to rent.
And Abram and Lot could not dwell together because they saw each other all the time at work and it would have been cool and everything but they would have just gotten on each other’s nerves.
And there was strife between Abram and Lot over who would get which land; and there was strife between Abram’s herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen over the stealing of each other’s herds; and there was strife between Abram’s wife and Lot’s wife over whether or not Han shot first.
And Abram said unto Lot, “Let there be no strife between us, and between our wives and our herdsmen, for I am a lover and not a fighter. It’s just not working out.”
And Lot said, “No, you don’t get to do this. If we’re breaking up then I’m going to be thine one who breaks up with thee. I’m leaving, Abram, and I’m taking my wife and my herds and my herdsmen.”
And Lot gathered up all his shit and moved into the land of Jordan, towards Sodom and Gomorrah, right up there as thou comest unto Zoar.
And Lot pitched his tent toward Sodom, but the men were super into butt stuff.
And the Lord appeared before Abram, and unto Abram He said, “Thank fuck you ditched that loser.”
And Abram said, “I know, I mean, he’s family and all, but he’s such an idiot. And so boring, too. He’s like if one of those vanilla wafers became a person.”
And the Lord said, “Yeah, but anyway, now that he’s gone, I wanted to give you all the land that thouest can see. To thee do I giveth it.”
And Abram said, “Thanks, Lord! This place is going to spring up overnight, I’m gonna have skeeball parlors, water parks, restaurants both fancy and like fast food, um… like, eight more water parks.”
And the Lord said, “Yeah, yeah, whatever, cool. Also I’m gonna help you out with those fertility problems. I know your wife’s all irradiated and shit down there but you and her are going to make an entire race of people. And I’ll watch over them forever, except for a very brief period of time when I go on vacation in the early 1900s A.D., I hope that’s okay.”
And Abram said, “Cool, cool. Hey, why are you doing all this stuff for me, anyway?”
And the Lord said, “I need a main character. Don’t worry about it,” and left.
Now the Lord came unto Abram, and Abram dwelt in his father’s land where he had no job and played video games all day.
And the Lord said, “Come on, thee, you have to get your shit together. You really gotta go forth from thy father’s house.”
And Abram said, “I mean, I’ve been looking at places but no one’s hiring, and Sarai has all her friends here.”
And the Lord said, “Abram, I promise, if you go forth then I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless them that bless thee, and curse them that curseth thee, and unto your seed will I bestow land unto you, and-”
And Abram said, “Okay, okay, fine, fuck it.”
And Abram gathered his wife Sarai and his nephew Lot,
And he came unto a mountain on the east of Beth-El, and pitched his tent there, having Beth-El on the west, and Ai on the east, and clowns to the left of him, jokers to the right: and there was he stuck in the middle with you.
And there was a famine in the land: and Abram journeyed south and came unto Egypt.
And it came to pass, when he had come unto Egypt, that he said unto his wife Sarai, “Alright, as soon as we get into Egypt, we’re gonna lie and say that you’re my sister.”
And Sarai asked her husband why, and Abram said unto her, “Because they’re gonna try to sleep with you and if we tell them you’re my sister then it’s not as weird.”
And Sarai said, “But if we just tell them that I’m you’re wife then they won’t try to sleep with me at all.”
And Abram said, “Babe, I’m like 100% sure that in this time you legally have to do whatever I say anyway. Just trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
And so when Abram entered the house of Egypt, the Egyptians saw his wife was very fair.
The Princes of Pharaoh saw Sarai, and they commended her beauty, and they asked Abram, “Is this beauty thine wife?”
And Abram said, “Nay is she my sister,” and the Princes said, “Really? You look nothing alike,” and Abram said, “Well it’s true, she is.”
And the Princes of Pharaoh said, “Alright, well, our god-king is gonna bang her then.” And Abram said, “Yeah, no, cool, do whatever,” and Sarai was taken into Pharaoh’s house.
And the Lord plagued Pharoah and his house with great misfortunes, such as the remote being lost and the garage door not working.
And Pharaoh called unto Abram, and said, “What hast thou done to me? Why hast thou told me she was thine sister and not thine wife?” And Abram said, “So that I wouldn’tst feel bad about you banging her.”
And Pharaoh said, “Well, I wouldn’tst have banged her if I hadst known she was’tst thou wife!” And Abram said, “Really?” And Pharaoh said, “Yes, really! What, you think I’m some kind of savage? A monster?” And Sarai said, “Yeah, I tried to say-” And Pharaoh said, “Shut up, Sarai. I’m like 100% sure that in this time you legally cannot speak in the presence of men. Now I want both of you weirdoes out of my kingdom immediately, and so help me gods if you ever return I will enslave the shit out of your people. Now go.”
And Pharaoh cast Abram away, and his wife, and all that he had.
And the whole Earth was of one speech, of one language.
And as people journeyed to the East, so did they come to the land of Shinar, and it was small and rent controlled, and perfect for a race that was just starting out. And this place was called Babylon.
And some guy said, “Go to, let us invent brick and mortar and build for us a city and a tower whose top may reach unto Heaven, and so can we drop by God’s house whenever we want just to say ‘hey.’”
And everyone else was like, “Sure,” and so was this construction began.
And the Lord saw what men were building, and said, “Dammit, if they finish that thing we’ll never get any privacy up here. I need My Me time.”
And the Lord came down to Earth and met with that guy from earlier, and said, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” And the guy said, “We’re building a city and a tower that it may reach into the heavens.”
And the Lord said, “I see. And I take it you have a permit to do that, right?” And the guy said, “Permit? What the hell are you talking about?” And the Lord said, “Oh, you don’t know what permits are? That’s a shame… it’s this thing that uh… says you’re allowed to build here. But you don’t have one, so obviously…” And the man said, “Oh.” And the Lord said, “Yeah, obviously you can’t build here. Since you’re not allowed to since you don’t have a permit.”
And the man said, “Well where can we get these permits?” And the Lord said, “Well permit offices haven’t been invented yet. And won’t be for a few thousand years actually.” And the guy said, “Well then what are we supposed to do?” And the Lord said, “I don’t know.” And the guy said, “What do you mean you don’t know? You’re God.” And the Lord said, “Well I don’t know, you have free will so do whatever you want. You could spend your days hitting on chicks for all I care, just don’t build anything without a permit.” And the guy said, “Well fine, maybe I will just hit on chicks all day.” And the Lord said, “Fine, do that then.” And the guy said, “Fine, I will.” And the Lord said, “Fine.”
And so it was that men who build things always hit on women, and if they build without a permit so to shall they be hit with a “fine.”
Now these are the generations of Shem, and Shem begat Arphaxad after the great flood:
And Shem became a celebrity chef and started his own restaurant called “Le Crème Garçon,” and lived his dream until he died.
And Arphaxad begat Salah:
And Arphaxad got shipped off to military school, and after the army he became one of the pioneering developers of bungee jumping.
And Salah begat Eber:
And Salah, well – Salah got really into the ‘60s, and no one ever saw him again.
And Eber begat Peleg:
And Eber became an architect,
And Peleg begat Reu:
And Peleg became a contractor, and Eber and Peleg started out small designing playground equipment, but they became multimillionaires when they invented mini-malls.
And Reu begat Serug:
And Reu married Wendy Peffercorn and had nine kids, and bought Vincent’s Drugstore and they still own it to this day.
And Serug begat Nahor:
And Serug became a professional wrestler; you know him as The Great Hambino.
And Nahor begat Terah:
And Nahor played triple-A ball but never got to the majors, and he owns his own business now and he coaches a little league team that his sons play on called the Heaters.
And Terah begat Abram, Nahor again somehow, and Haran.
Now these are the generations of Terah:
And of Haran who begat Lot:
And Abram and Nahor took unto them wives: And the name of Abram’s wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor’s wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, so Nahor straight-up married his first cousin who was also his great-granddaughter.
But Sarai was barren; she was kicked in the uterus by an angry mule who she cut ahead of in the “Crème Garçon: Premature Crème express line.”
And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran, and Sarai his daughter in law; and they went forth with him into the land of Canaan; and they came unto the city of Haran, and dwelt there.
And after Terah pickled The Beast, his reputation spread throughout the land, and from then on he was known as Terah “The Jet” Terah, and the nickname stuck with him for the rest of his life.
And the Lord blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, “Alright so I’m gonna have to start life on this planet over again for the third time, and I really don’t want to do that, so I’m delegating some responsibility unto you guys. I’m trusting you, even though I definitely know that I shouldn’t. But I’m going to do it anyway.
“Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the Earth. Pretty self-explanatory; just keep fuckin’ each other until there’s billions of you. I’m sure you can all handle that. Shem, I know that might be a little difficult for you, you definitely take after your great great great great great great great great grandfather, but you’re gonna have to manage.
“All the beasts of the Earth shall fear you, and of the fowl of the air and the fishes of the sea, so too will they fear you. You can keep eatin’ ‘em, you’re just gonna have to hunt them from now on. Oh, and for the love of Me, please don’t eat each other, okay? I feel like that’s super obvious and I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’m gonna say it anyway.”
And Noah said, “Actually it’s a good thing you did. It was only a matter of time before someone tries to eat Ham.”
And Ham said, “What the fuck, dad?” And Noah said, “What? We were all thinking it.”
And Shem and Japheth shook their heads, for they were indeed not thinking it.
And Ham said, “This is the worst family ever. If anyone so sheds my blood, so to shall their blood be shed. That’s a good rule, right, God?”
And the Lord said, “Uhhhh yeah, sure. I can’t see that contradicting anything I’ll say in the future.”
And Noah said, “By the way, how long until the next apocalyptic flood? Should I get started on a second Ark?”
And God said, “Oh, no, I’m not doing that again.”
And Noah said, “What’ll it be then, fire? Earthquakes? Space rocks, like I said in the beginning?”
And God said, “All I can say is that I promise you I’m not going to make another flood.”
And Noah said, “How do we know you won’t go back on that?”
And God said, “Um, because I’m fucking God and you should just believe Me. But if it makes you feel any better, you can just look up for one of these.”
And God cast a rainbow in the sky, and said, “This happens when sunlight is refracted by water droplets in the atmosphere after it rains. So every time there’s a storm, you can-”
And Noah said, “Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, science is dumb. Thanks but I’m just gonna build a bunker like any sane person would.”
And the Lord said, “Goddamnit. I can’t deal with this shit anymore… I’m gonna go make a planet where it’s just therapists.”
And the Lord left Noah and his wife and his sons and his son’s wives to rebuild the world and get down ‘n’ freaky in the biblical sense.
And Noah began to be a husbandman, which means something totally different than what I thought it meant.
And Noah planted a vineyard, and drank of the wine of the vineyard.
And so was Noah drunken, and passed out in his tent because the guy who had constructed the largest, sturdiest vessel of all time couldn’t figure out what houses are.
And Ham entered the tent of his father, and saw the drunkenness of his father.
And Ham did then draw penises all over Noah’s face, and told his brethren without.
And Shem and Japheth did see what Ham had done, and Shem said, “What hath you done to father?”
And Ham said, “I drew penises on his face,” and Shem said, “Yes but why?” And Ham said, “It’s a joke,” and Shem said, “How is that a joke?” And Ham said, “Because, it’s penises. And they’re on his face. Look, there’s a penis over there, there’s a penis over there. And look, look at that one by his nose. Do you see what it’s doing to his nose? Do you get it?” And Shem said, “I mean, I get what it’s doing to his nose, I just don’t get how that’s a joke.” And Ham said, “Well, whatever. Japheth gets it.”
And Japheth shook his head, for he too did indeed not get it.
And Noah did awoken from his drunkenness, and Shem told him what his brother hath done, and Noah did not believe him for no one had invented mirrors.
And Noah said, “Curse you, Shem, for having me believe false rumors, and cursed be Ham for maybe drawing penises on my face. And cursed be Japheth for being much too quiet which freaks everyone out. You’re all cursed.”
And Noah again was overcome with drunkenness, and Ham said, “Whoa… dad’s a wizard.”