Genesis Chapter 18 – “Three Visitors”

  1. And one day Abraham sat in his tent door in the heat of the day, and he resented Sarah for making them retire to such a warm climate.
  2. And he lifted his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them he knew it was the Lord and His angels.
  3. And Abraham said, “My Lord, I did not know You would come. I pray Thee, let me fetch You some water so I may wash Your feet under the tree, and I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort Ye hearts; and after that Ye shall pass on: for I am a servant of the Lord.” And they said, “Do so, as thou hast said.”
  4. And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, “Quickly cut and ready three loaves, knead them, and make cakes upon the hearth.” And Sarah said, “Why?” And Abraham said, “For the same reason thou lets me chew on thy hair in the night: because it is what I hath commanded thou to do.”
  5. And Abraham ran out unto the herd, and fetched a tender calf, and gave it to a young man and ordered him to cook it up and serve it. And the young man said, “Why?” And Abraham said, “For the same reason thou dances before me for three hours every Wednesday night: because it is what I hath commanded thou to do.”
  6. And the three men sat beneath the tree, and the first said, “Who does this guy think we are?” And the second said, “I don’t know but just go with it. I love me a good foot washing. Damn.” And the first said, “Goddammit, stop it with this foot obsession of yours, I’m sick of hearing about it.” And the third said, “Hey, don’t judge. He’s into feet, you prefer watching, and I’m super into boning old married ladies. We’ve all got our thing.” And the first said, “I do not prefer watching.”
  7. And they saw that Abraham was returning and they silenced themselves, and he carried butter, and milk, and the calf which had been cooked, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat as he washed their feet.
  8. And Abraham said unto them, “So, how’s the whole getting-my-wife-pregnant thing going?”
  9. And the first man spat out his milk, and the third man said, “Um, what?” And Abraham said, “You promised my wife shall bear a son, yes?”
  10. And the third man did clear his throat, and he said, “Y’uhm, yes. Yes I did say that. Your wife, whose name is, um… uh…” And Abraham said, “Sarah.” And the third man said, “Yes, Sarah, I knew it was Sarah. She’s here now?” And Abraham said, “Oh, yes, she’s in the tent.” And the third man said, “Then you shall fetch her for me, for I am the lord and thou must do as I say.” And Abraham said, “Anything, for I am a servant of the Lord.”
  11. And Abraham left to fetch Sarah. And when he did, the first man said, “What the fuck are you doing!?” And the third man said, “Shh, I just want to look at her.” And the first said, “Nope. We’re stopping this right now. We got fed, we got our feet washed, now let’s get to Sodom and destroy the fucker before the nocaeb wears off.”
  12. And Abraham returned with Sarah, and said, “Behold, honey, for you stand in the presence of the Lord and His angels, and it is He who shall get you pregnant with my seed.” And the third man said, “Hey babe. I hope you like the outermost layer of trees… ‘cause I’m about to make you bark. Like a dog. Sexually.”
  13. And Sarah laughed at the third man. And the third man was frustrated, and said, “Girl, I hope you’re into astrology, ‘cause you’re about to see stars from all the orgasms I’m gonna give you.”
  14. And again Sarah laughed at the third man. And the third man was frustrated, and said, “Thou needn’tst laugh, unless thou likes corn chips, ‘cause thou is about to get Frito-Lay’ed”
  15. And Sarah was in tears from laughter, and the third man was furious, and said, “Why hast thou laughed at me?” And Sarah laughed, and said, “Because You’re the biggest dork I’ve ever seen.”
  16. And the third man said, “Thou know not what thou say! I got game, I got so much game, I’m like… I’m like a guy who collects board games. Or something. I don’t know.” And Sarah fell to the ground, and she was laughing from the dorkiness.
  17. And the third man said, “You know what? I don’t know who the fuck you people are, but fuck you. You just sit there, a couple of old fucks, makin’ a man feel bad about his body, which he didn’t choose, by the way. Peeping Tom over here gets the good body, meanwhile I’m stuck in this fucking dillweed who looks like the part-time assistant manager at a fucking bank in some mini-mall.” And the first man said, “Stop calling me that! It was first come, first serve. Maybe you should, I don’t know, stop banging the oldest woman in existence and focus on the mission!” And the third man said, “You’re just jealous because she likes me.” And the first man said, “No she doesn’t! She’s just trapped in an eternal midlife crisis!”
  18. And as the first man and third man argued, Sarah went back into the tent, and the second man rose up from thence with a large satchel, and started toward Sodom, and Abraham went with him to bring him on his way.
  19. And Abraham asked where he was going, and the second man said, “I’m goin’ to Sodom. Damn.”
  20. And Abraham said, “Cool, cool. What business doth thou have in Sodom?”
  21. And the second man said, “A great evil is in that place. I’m goin’ to blow it up. Damn.”
  22. And Abraham had known his brother Lot was in Sodom, and he feared for his brother, who was pretty dumb, but evil was he not.
  23. And Abraham said, “Whilst thou smite the righteous along with the wicked?”
  24. And the second man said, “Sho’ nuff. Damn.”
  25. And Abraham said, “Whilst thou not spare the fifty righteous therein? For if there are fifty righteous men in Sodom, surely they shall die with the wicked.”
  26. And the second man said, “If I find fifty homies in Sodom, I won’t raze it. Damn.”
  27. And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but a flea on the back of a cow in an endless heard, I am of little worth to question thee… but what if there be forty-five righteous men in Sodom? Surely an angel of the Lord shall not smite forty-five righteous men along with the wicked.”
  28. And the second man said, “If I find forty-five homies in Sodom, so too will I not raze it. Damn.”
  29. And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but one hideous morsel of asparagus stuck in the teeth of a giant thousand-toothed worm, I am of little worth to question thee… but what if there be forty righteous men in Sodom? Surely an angel of the Lord shall not smite forty righteous men along with the wicked.” And the second man said, “If there are forty homies in Sodom, Sodom shall be spared. Damn.”
  30. And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but a mere flyaway hair in the left armpit of a sasquatch, I am of little worth to question thee… but if there are thirty righteous men in Sodom, shall they be smote with the wicked? For thirty righteous men surely should not be punished with the guilty, in the eyes of the Lord.” And the second man said, “Man, if there be thirty homies in Sodom I can roll with, then destroy Sodom I shall not. Damn.”
  31. And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but one iPhone 6 in an ocean of iPhone 7’s, I am of little worth to question thee… but if there were just twenty righteous men in Sodom then surely Sodom must be spared.” And the second man said, “For twenty good homies I surely shall not destroy Sodom. Damn.”
  32. And Abraham said, “O angel of the Lord, I am but one copy of Spider-Man 3 who doth not even remotely compare to the first Spider-Man movie that is the might of the Almighty, I am of little worth to question thee… but for only ten righteous men in Sodom thou must surely reconsider.” And the second man said, “For just ten tight homies I will not destroy the city of Sodom. Damn.”
  33. And Abraham left the second man on his journey, and he journeyed back to his home where he dwelt.
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