Genesis Chapter 17 – “Circumstantial”

  1. And when Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, “Behold, I am the Almighty God.”
  2. And Abram said, “Yeah, I know who you are. We’ve met like dozens of times.”
  3. And Abram fell on his face: and God said, “See? That’s what you get when you question Me. I like to make entrance, okay?”
  4. And Abram said, “Okay, sorry. What’s up, God?”
  5. And God said, “Abram, you are to become the father of many nations, but thy name shall be Abraham; all the best leaders have three-syllable names: Washington, Hannibal, Donald Trump, Et Cetera. I know that ‘Et Cetera’ has four syllables in his name but without him the planet nearly explodes in the year 2186 A.D.”
  6. And Abram said, “Okay, I can do that. Can I still use ‘Abram’ as a nickname?”
  7. And God said, “No, you’re Abraham now.” And Abraham said, “Okay.”
  8. And God said, “I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee, and thy hernia shall be fixed.”
  9. And God continued, “And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee, and thy generations I shall make this everlasting covenant, and the covenant shall be everlasting between Me and thee, thee and thy generations, and the generations thy spawn shall be in this covenant everlasting, and thy covenant with thee shall last forever, for thee and for thy generations, with this everlasting covenant with thee.”
  10. And Abraham said, “You’re rambling, Dude.”
  11. And God said, “I’m not rambling, I’m building up the suspense. This is really important to Me, Abraham.” And Abraham said, “Okay, what is it?”
  12. And God looked to Abraham and said, “I need you to slice off part of your ding-dong.”
  13. And Abraham said, “My what?”
  14. And God said, “Your schlong, your manhood, your John Thomas. Your eggplant, your peen, your starship trooper. I just want you to take a little bit off the tip, that’s all.”
  15. And Abraham said, “Um, okay, that’s completely insane. Why would I ever do something like that?”
  16. And God said, “Because that is the covenant I’m making with you. You’ll get lands and nations and you’ll be remembered for generations to come, and in exchange, you do this for me. And because I’m fucking God, and if God tells you to carve out some dick, you carve out some dick. When I tell you to jump, you say ‘how high.’ And when I tell you to take a blade to your dingus, you say ‘how high.’”
  17. And Abraham said, “I don’t feel so good.”
  18. And God said, “Yes, I understand. Hence it is he among you that is eight days old who shall be circumcised, for he would not feel it, and also that is the number of penises I may or may not have.”
  19. And Abraham said, “I feel faint,” and God said, “And every man in your home shall be circumcised, he who is born unto you and he who is bought with money, and he who serves you. All shall be circumcised in your home, for that is the covenant I make with thee.”
  20. And Abraham fell on his face again. And God took Abraham up again, and said, “Do this for Me and I shall reward thee with a son that thy wife shall bear in one year.”
  21. And Abraham said, “God, I’m literally one hundred years old. And Sarai is ninety-nine. She couldn’t bear children at her age even if that hyena hadn’t ripped out her uterus.”
  22. And God said, “Oh yeah? Well what if I were to change her name to Sarah? Think maybe she’ll bear children then?”
  23. And Abraham said, “Uh… no? How would that change anything?”
  24. And God said, “It changes everything, trust Me. Also I’m gonna look out for your son Ishmael, I’ll give him a nation too or whatever. Just know that My covenant is with you and your lineage after Isaac.” And Abraham said, “Wait, who’s Isaac?” And God said, “Isaac is the name of your son with Sarah.” And Abraham said, “Why dost thou name me and my wife and my children?” And God said, “Wouldst thou let a goat name itself? Or a calf, or a lion? Why shouldst I let a human name thyself?” And Abraham said, “Fair point.”
  25. And so Abraham went into his home and took every male servant, and he said, “Drop trou,” and drop trou they did.
  26. And Abraham lined them up side by side in their nakedness, and blindfolded them so they wouldn’t know, and he ran across the line of dongs and holded a sword against them, and they were circumcised.
  27. And when his son Ishmael was thirteen Abraham took a knife to him and circumcised him as well. And then Abraham circumcised himself, and it was a nice little father-son activity.
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