Genesis Chapter 16 – “Assembly of the Surrogates”

  1. Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, bare him no children because of a disease she contracted after not washing her hands: and she had a handmaid, and her name was Hagar, and she was an Egyptian, but that was fine because Sarai didn’t see color due to a form of blindness from that hand-washing disease.
  2. And Sarai said unto Abram, “Behold now, the Lord hath not solved our fertility problems yet, and my biological clock is ticking: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; make her super pregnant that I may have children by her, and I shall watch.”
  3. And Abram said, “That’s so hot, babe,” and yea was it hot.
  4. And he went in unto Hagar, and Sarai watched and ate popcorn as she watched but it didn’t ruin the mood or anything.
  5. And Hagar conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived Sarai was despised in her eyes, because hormones or something.
  6. And Sarai said unto Abram, “My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bed, and when she saw she had conceived she just immediately turned into such a bitch.”
  7. But Abram said unto Sarai, “Behold, I have seen this before. That night was but a preview of my skills in bed, and she is jealous of thee for getting the whole feature film each night.”
  8. And Sarai said, “Um, yeah, I don’t think that’s it,” and Abram said, “Shh, it’s okay babe, you don’t have to hide it. Regardless, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee.” And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from Sarai.
  9. And the angel of the Lord found Hagar by a fountain of water in the wilderness, and there were mushrooms growing in the fountain.
  10. And he said, “Hagar, why thou camest here? Shouldn’tst thou be serving Sarai hand and foot?” And Sarai said, “Just hand, I’m not a footmaid. I fled from my mistress, who was harsh with me.”
  11. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. I don’t know if this is a worker’s rights issue or a women’s rights issue, but it’s a few thousand years too early to complain.”
  12. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered, for behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael,” but really the angel sneezed and it sounded like “Ismael,” and Hagar just went with it.
  13. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, every man’s hand against his, for he shall be a high-fiving champion; and he shall dwell in the presence of his brethren.”
  14. And Sarai wiped the tears from her cheeks and said, “Okay. Thank you, that makes me feel better.”
  15. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “No problem. Thanks for not freaking out over the fact that I have bird wings and know everything about you.” And Hagar said, “No, it’s cool.”
  16. And Hagar went back to Abram and bore his son: and Abram called his son Ishmael.
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