Genesis Chapter 15 – “Abram’s Nightmare”

  1. After these things the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, and He said, “Fear not, Abram, for I am thy shield, and thou willst be rewarded for worshiping me.”
  2. And Abram said, “Look, God, you keep saying that you have my back and all, but really all I want is a child, and thou hast me going seedless. Who’s going to inherit all my shit? Sarai’s idiot nephew who got his tongue stuck to a shepherd’s crook the last five consecutive winters?”
  3. And behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, and the Lord said, “He shall not be thine heir, but he that shall come forth from thine bowels shall be.”
  4. And Abram said, “Ew, what?” And the Lord said, “Yeah, there was probably a better way of wording that. What I’m trying to say is I’ll solve your fertility problems, bro, don’t worry about it.” And the Lord brought Abram forth and said, “Look now toward heaven, and if thou be able to number the stars, so too shall thy seed be numbered, because sperm and stuff.”
  5. And Abram believed the Lord, saying, “Who am I to question Someone wearing a turtleneck.” And the Lord said, “O, this isn’t a turtleneck. This is where My foreskin is and I’m not circumcised.”
  6. And Abram said, “Hmm, gross.”
  7. And the Lord said, “Anyway, as I was saying, yeah, you and your people will inherit a whole great big land. In fact I can show you but you’re gonna have to do something for Me first.”
  8. And Abram said, “Anything, my Lord.”
  9. And the Lord said unto him, “Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and twelve drummers drumming, and eleven women named Piper, ten pictures of Lorde, nine strippers, eight lactose intolerant maids, seven copies of Black Swan, six lords of the rings, five toe rings, four fried chickens and a coke, three french fries, two purple gloves, and the Partridge Family on DVD.”
  10. And Abram took these unto him, and chopped them up into little pieces and divided them, and laid each piece against another: but he didn’t chop up the birds because that would be weird.
  11. And when the vultures came down among the carcasses, Abram drove them away like one might drive away from a gas station one just accidentally robbed.
  12. And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram, and a nightmare fell upon him, probably due to the serial killer stuff he had done that day.
  13. And a great many horrors were in this nightmare: a salad fat shaming a hippopotamus, a balloon with teeth, a Friends reunion, and a horse riding a person.
  14. And lo did the Lord speak to Abram in this dream, and He said unto Abram, “Know surely that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall be servants; and shall be afflicted four hundred years;
  15. “And also that nation whom they shall serve, will I judge, but I shall do nothing to prevent the suffering of thy seed; And afterward thy seed shall come out with great substance, and shall always be craving Chinese food.”
  16. And it came to pass that when the sun was high the next day so to was Abram awake from his sleep.
  17. And Abram thanked the Lord for his vision. And the Lord said, “No prob, Abram. You My boi.”
  18. And Abram said, “Why did I have to gather and chop up all those things, though? And why could You only tell me that when I was sleeping? Wait a sec, You’ve never spoken to me when other people were around… can I only hear You in my head?”
  19. And the Lord said, “Alright, hold up right there. I know where this is going because I can see everything. No, you’re not crazy, and yes, I’m real. If I wasn’t real then could I do this?”
  20. And the Lord snapped His pincers together, and when He did it began to rain Dippin’ Dots from the sky.
  21. And Abram laugh and forgot his woes and frolicked among the Dots, and the Lord laughed and frolicked with him.

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