And when Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, “Behold, I am the Almighty God.”
And Abram said, “Yeah, I know who you are. We’ve met like dozens of times.”
And Abram fell on his face: and God said, “See? That’s what you get when you question Me. I like to make entrance, okay?”
And Abram said, “Okay, sorry. What’s up, God?”
And God said, “Abram, you are to become the father of many nations, but thy name shall be Abraham; all the best leaders have three-syllable names: Washington, Hannibal, Donald Trump, Et Cetera. I know that ‘Et Cetera’ has four syllables in his name but without him the planet nearly explodes in the year 2186 A.D.”
And Abram said, “Okay, I can do that. Can I still use ‘Abram’ as a nickname?”
And God said, “No, you’re Abraham now.” And Abraham said, “Okay.”
And God said, “I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee, and thy hernia shall be fixed.”
And God continued, “And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee, and thy generations I shall make this everlasting covenant, and the covenant shall be everlasting between Me and thee, thee and thy generations, and the generations thy spawn shall be in this covenant everlasting, and thy covenant with thee shall last forever, for thee and for thy generations, with this everlasting covenant with thee.”
And Abraham said, “You’re rambling, Dude.”
And God said, “I’m not rambling, I’m building up the suspense. This is really important to Me, Abraham.” And Abraham said, “Okay, what is it?”
And God looked to Abraham and said, “I need you to slice off part of your ding-dong.”
And Abraham said, “My what?”
And God said, “Your schlong, your manhood, your John Thomas. Your eggplant, your peen, your starship trooper. I just want you to take a little bit off the tip, that’s all.”
And Abraham said, “Um, okay, that’s completely insane. Why would I ever do something like that?”
And God said, “Because that is the covenant I’m making with you. You’ll get lands and nations and you’ll be remembered for generations to come, and in exchange, you do this for me. And because I’m fucking God, and if God tells you to carve out some dick, you carve out some dick. When I tell you to jump, you say ‘how high.’ And when I tell you to take a blade to your dingus, you say ‘how high.’”
And Abraham said, “I don’t feel so good.”
And God said, “Yes, I understand. Hence it is he among you that is eight days old who shall be circumcised, for he would not feel it, and also that is the number of penises I may or may not have.”
And Abraham said, “I feel faint,” and God said, “And every man in your home shall be circumcised, he who is born unto you and he who is bought with money, and he who serves you. All shall be circumcised in your home, for that is the covenant I make with thee.”
And Abraham fell on his face again. And God took Abraham up again, and said, “Do this for Me and I shall reward thee with a son that thy wife shall bear in one year.”
And Abraham said, “God, I’m literally one hundred years old. And Sarai is ninety-nine. She couldn’t bear children at her age even if that hyena hadn’t ripped out her uterus.”
And God said, “Oh yeah? Well what if I were to change her name to Sarah? Think maybe she’ll bear children then?”
And Abraham said, “Uh… no? How would that change anything?”
And God said, “It changes everything, trust Me. Also I’m gonna look out for your son Ishmael, I’ll give him a nation too or whatever. Just know that My covenant is with you and your lineage after Isaac.” And Abraham said, “Wait, who’s Isaac?” And God said, “Isaac is the name of your son with Sarah.” And Abraham said, “Why dost thou name me and my wife and my children?” And God said, “Wouldst thou let a goat name itself? Or a calf, or a lion? Why shouldst I let a human name thyself?” And Abraham said, “Fair point.”
And so Abraham went into his home and took every male servant, and he said, “Drop trou,” and drop trou they did.
And Abraham lined them up side by side in their nakedness, and blindfolded them so they wouldn’t know, and he ran across the line of dongs and holded a sword against them, and they were circumcised.
And when his son Ishmael was thirteen Abraham took a knife to him and circumcised him as well. And then Abraham circumcised himself, and it was a nice little father-son activity.
Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, bare him no children because of a disease she contracted after not washing her hands: and she had a handmaid, and her name was Hagar, and she was an Egyptian, but that was fine because Sarai didn’t see color due to a form of blindness from that hand-washing disease.
And Sarai said unto Abram, “Behold now, the Lord hath not solved our fertility problems yet, and my biological clock is ticking: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; make her super pregnant that I may have children by her, and I shall watch.”
And Abram said, “That’s so hot, babe,” and yea was it hot.
And he went in unto Hagar, and Sarai watched and ate popcorn as she watched but it didn’t ruin the mood or anything.
And Hagar conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived Sarai was despised in her eyes, because hormones or something.
And Sarai said unto Abram, “My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bed, and when she saw she had conceived she just immediately turned into such a bitch.”
But Abram said unto Sarai, “Behold, I have seen this before. That night was but a preview of my skills in bed, and she is jealous of thee for getting the whole feature film each night.”
And Sarai said, “Um, yeah, I don’t think that’s it,” and Abram said, “Shh, it’s okay babe, you don’t have to hide it. Regardless, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee.” And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from Sarai.
And the angel of the Lord found Hagar by a fountain of water in the wilderness, and there were mushrooms growing in the fountain.
And he said, “Hagar, why thou camest here? Shouldn’tst thou be serving Sarai hand and foot?” And Sarai said, “Just hand, I’m not a footmaid. I fled from my mistress, who was harsh with me.”
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. I don’t know if this is a worker’s rights issue or a women’s rights issue, but it’s a few thousand years too early to complain.”
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered, for behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael,” but really the angel sneezed and it sounded like “Ismael,” and Hagar just went with it.
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, every man’s hand against his, for he shall be a high-fiving champion; and he shall dwell in the presence of his brethren.”
And Sarai wiped the tears from her cheeks and said, “Okay. Thank you, that makes me feel better.”
And the angel of the Lord said unto her, “No problem. Thanks for not freaking out over the fact that I have bird wings and know everything about you.” And Hagar said, “No, it’s cool.”
And Hagar went back to Abram and bore his son: and Abram called his son Ishmael.
After these things the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, and He said, “Fear not, Abram, for I am thy shield, and thou willst be rewarded for worshiping me.”
And Abram said, “Look, God, you keep saying that you have my back and all, but really all I want is a child, and thou hast me going seedless. Who’s going to inherit all my shit? Sarai’s idiot nephew who got his tongue stuck to a shepherd’s crook the last five consecutive winters?”
And behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, and the Lord said, “He shall not be thine heir, but he that shall come forth from thine bowels shall be.”
And Abram said, “Ew, what?” And the Lord said, “Yeah, there was probably a better way of wording that. What I’m trying to say is I’ll solve your fertility problems, bro, don’t worry about it.” And the Lord brought Abram forth and said, “Look now toward heaven, and if thou be able to number the stars, so too shall thy seed be numbered, because sperm and stuff.”
And Abram believed the Lord, saying, “Who am I to question Someone wearing a turtleneck.” And the Lord said, “O, this isn’t a turtleneck. This is where My foreskin is and I’m not circumcised.”
And Abram said, “Hmm, gross.”
And the Lord said, “Anyway, as I was saying, yeah, you and your people will inherit a whole great big land. In fact I can show you but you’re gonna have to do something for Me first.”
And Abram said, “Anything, my Lord.”
And the Lord said unto him, “Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and twelve drummers drumming, and eleven women named Piper, ten pictures of Lorde, nine strippers, eight lactose intolerant maids, seven copies of Black Swan, six lords of the rings, five toe rings, four fried chickens and a coke, three french fries, two purple gloves, and the Partridge Family on DVD.”
And Abram took these unto him, and chopped them up into little pieces and divided them, and laid each piece against another: but he didn’t chop up the birds because that would be weird.
And when the vultures came down among the carcasses, Abram drove them away like one might drive away from a gas station one just accidentally robbed.
And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram, and a nightmare fell upon him, probably due to the serial killer stuff he had done that day.
And a great many horrors were in this nightmare: a salad fat shaming a hippopotamus, a balloon with teeth, a Friends reunion, and a horse riding a person.
And lo did the Lord speak to Abram in this dream, and He said unto Abram, “Know surely that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall be servants; and shall be afflicted four hundred years;
“And also that nation whom they shall serve, will I judge, but I shall do nothing to prevent the suffering of thy seed; And afterward thy seed shall come out with great substance, and shall always be craving Chinese food.”
And it came to pass that when the sun was high the next day so to was Abram awake from his sleep.
And Abram thanked the Lord for his vision. And the Lord said, “No prob, Abram. You My boi.”
And Abram said, “Why did I have to gather and chop up all those things, though? And why could You only tell me that when I was sleeping? Wait a sec, You’ve never spoken to me when other people were around… can I only hear You in my head?”
And the Lord said, “Alright, hold up right there. I know where this is going because I can see everything. No, you’re not crazy, and yes, I’m real. If I wasn’t real then could I do this?”
And the Lord snapped His pincers together, and when He did it began to rain Dippin’ Dots from the sky.
And Abram laugh and forgot his woes and frolicked among the Dots, and the Lord laughed and frolicked with him.