Genesis Chapter 14 – “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”

  1. And it came to pass that a war broke out between the kingdoms.
  2. And in this war was Amraphel, King of Shinar, who specialized in hand-to-hand combat, Arioch, King of Ellasar, who specialized in demolitions, Chedorlaomer, King of Elam, who specialized in swords and hip-hop dance fighting, and Aquaman, King of the Sea, who specialized in sushi.
  3. And against them was Bera, King of Sodom, who specialized in butt stuff, Birsha, King of Gomorrah, who specialized in being Nebula’s sibling, Shinab, King of Admah, who specialized in being a good listener, Shemeber, King of Zeboiim, who specialized in racism, and Zoar, King of Bela, who specialized in being the last thing in a list of things.
  4. Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled for Chedorlaomer was an unfair ruler who cheated at Monopoly and ate the other king’s lunches without asking permission.
  5. And in the fourteenth year Chedorlaomer smote the shit outta some people.
  6. And Chedorlaomer and his fellow kings moved through the lands.
  7. And they burnt cities and pillaged towns and searched for the betrayer kings.
  8. And there went out the kings of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, to face the kings in battle.
  9. And there was a great battle, and kings were clashing swords and flipping through the air, and yea were a great many explosions had been made.
  10. And the rebel kings were defeated and driven back, and it was super embarrassing for them.
  11. And they took the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and went their way.
  12. And the kings of Sodom and Gomorroah took Lot for reasons that no one on Earth has ever been Abel to explain. Seriously, no one on Earth Cain tell you why.
  13. And there came that a woman had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew, and he did not believe her.
  14. And then there came a man that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew, and he did not believe him.
  15. And then did Abram the Hebrew receive a text from Lot that said, “Bro been kidnaped send halp.”
  16. And Abram sent Halp that he might find Lot, and Halp returned, and told Abram that it was so.
  17. And Abram armed his trained servants and pursued after Lot, who at this point in the story ceased to become Abram’s nephew and is now Abram’s brother, probably due to some cool creative intermarrying thing that the Lord is clearly okay with but every time I bring it up at Thanksgiving I’m the weird one.
  18. And Abram divided himself against the armies, he and his servants, by night, and gave ‘em all a damn good smoting.
  19. And he brought back his brother Lot, and all his goods, and the women also, but left his money clip accidentally.
  20. And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return, and the kings were with him, and they saw what Abram had done.
  21. And Melchizedek was the king of Salem, and was also the priest of the most high God, and was also a free mason, and was also dating someone way too young for him, and was also drunk most of the time, and was also accosted in several public areas in the past week for his odor alone, but most of that isn’t relevant right now.
  22. And Melchizedek blessed Abram for leaving his cash, which he thought he had done on purpose.
  23. And the king of Sodom approached Abram and said, “Why have you taken only that which belonged to you? Why have you taken your goods and no one else’s?”
  24. And Abram said, “Um, because I’m not a selfish fucking idiot who just takes a dude’s relatives and women and goods and such.”
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