Genesis Chapter 13 – “Divine Divisive Decisiveness”

  1. And Abram and his wife and Lot went out of Egypt, into the south.
  2. And Abram was very rich in cattle and dolla dolla bills y’all.
  3. And Abram journeyed even to the place he had been before his Egypt excursion, and unto an alter he had built.
  4. And Lot also had flocks and herds, but mostly of rodents since Abram called all the good stuff.
  5. And the land could not bear them for there were not enough places to rent.
  6. And Abram and Lot could not dwell together because they saw each other all the time at work and it would have been cool and everything but they would have just gotten on each other’s nerves.
  7. And there was strife between Abram and Lot over who would get which land; and there was strife between Abram’s herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen over the stealing of each other’s herds; and there was strife between Abram’s wife and Lot’s wife over whether or not Han shot first.
  8. And Abram said unto Lot, “Let there be no strife between us, and between our wives and our herdsmen, for I am a lover and not a fighter. It’s just not working out.”
  9. And Lot said, “No, you don’t get to do this. If we’re breaking up then I’m going to be thine one who breaks up with thee. I’m leaving, Abram, and I’m taking my wife and my herds and my herdsmen.”
  10. And Lot gathered up all his shit and moved into the land of Jordan, towards Sodom and Gomorrah, right up there as thou comest unto Zoar.
  11. And Lot pitched his tent toward Sodom, but the men were super into butt stuff.
  12. And the Lord appeared before Abram, and unto Abram He said, “Thank fuck you ditched that loser.”
  13. And Abram said, “I know, I mean, he’s family and all, but he’s such an idiot. And so boring, too. He’s like if one of those vanilla wafers became a person.”
  14. And the Lord said, “Yeah, but anyway, now that he’s gone, I wanted to give you all the land that thouest can see. To thee do I giveth it.”
  15. And Abram said, “Thanks, Lord! This place is going to spring up overnight, I’m gonna have skeeball parlors, water parks, restaurants both fancy and like fast food, um… like, eight more water parks.”
  16. And the Lord said, “Yeah, yeah, whatever, cool. Also I’m gonna help you out with those fertility problems. I know your wife’s all irradiated and shit down there but you and her are going to make an entire race of people. And I’ll watch over them forever, except for a very brief period of time when I go on vacation in the early 1900s A.D., I hope that’s okay.”
  17. And Abram said, “Cool, cool. Hey, why are you doing all this stuff for me, anyway?”
  18. And the Lord said, “I need a main character. Don’t worry about it,” and left.
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