Genesis Chapter 12 – “Lie Like an Egyptian”

  1. Now the Lord came unto Abram, and Abram dwelt in his father’s land where he had no job and played video games all day.
  2. And the Lord said, “Come on, thee, you have to get your shit together. You really gotta go forth from thy father’s house.”
  3. And Abram said, “I mean, I’ve been looking at places but no one’s hiring, and Sarai has all her friends here.”
  4. And the Lord said, “Abram, I promise, if you go forth then I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless them that bless thee, and curse them that curseth thee, and unto your seed will I bestow land unto you, and-”
  5. And Abram said, “Okay, okay, fine, fuck it.”
  6. And Abram gathered his wife Sarai and his nephew Lot,
  7. And he came unto a mountain on the east of Beth-El, and pitched his tent there, having Beth-El on the west, and Ai on the east, and clowns to the left of him, jokers to the right: and there was he stuck in the middle with you.
  8. And there was a famine in the land: and Abram journeyed south and came unto Egypt.
  9. And it came to pass, when he had come unto Egypt, that he said unto his wife Sarai, “Alright, as soon as we get into Egypt, we’re gonna lie and say that you’re my sister.”
  10. And Sarai asked her husband why, and Abram said unto her, “Because they’re gonna try to sleep with you and if we tell them you’re my sister then it’s not as weird.”
  11. And Sarai said, “But if we just tell them that I’m you’re wife then they won’t try to sleep with me at all.”
  12. And Abram said, “Babe, I’m like 100% sure that in this time you legally have to do whatever I say anyway. Just trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
  13. And so when Abram entered the house of Egypt, the Egyptians saw his wife was very fair.
  14. The Princes of Pharaoh saw Sarai, and they commended her beauty, and they asked Abram, “Is this beauty thine wife?”
  15. And Abram said, “Nay is she my sister,” and the Princes said, “Really? You look nothing alike,” and Abram said, “Well it’s true, she is.”
  16. And the Princes of Pharaoh said, “Alright, well, our god-king is gonna bang her then.” And Abram said, “Yeah, no, cool, do whatever,” and Sarai was taken into Pharaoh’s house.
  17. And the Lord plagued Pharoah and his house with great misfortunes, such as the remote being lost and the garage door not working.
  18. And Pharaoh called unto Abram, and said, “What hast thou done to me? Why hast thou told me she was thine sister and not thine wife?” And Abram said, “So that I wouldn’tst feel bad about you banging her.”
  19. And Pharaoh said, “Well, I wouldn’tst have banged her if I hadst known she was’tst thou wife!” And Abram said, “Really?” And Pharaoh said, “Yes, really! What, you think I’m some kind of savage? A monster?” And Sarai said, “Yeah, I tried to say-” And Pharaoh said, “Shut up, Sarai. I’m like 100% sure that in this time you legally cannot speak in the presence of men. Now I want both of you weirdoes out of my kingdom immediately, and so help me gods if you ever return I will enslave the shit out of your people. Now go.”
  20. And Pharaoh cast Abram away, and his wife, and all that he had.

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