Genesis Chapter 11 – “Babylon On and On”

  1. And the whole Earth was of one speech, of one language.
  2. And as people journeyed to the East, so did they come to the land of Shinar, and it was small and rent controlled, and perfect for a race that was just starting out. And this place was called Babylon.
  3. And some guy said, “Go to, let us invent brick and mortar and build for us a city and a tower whose top may reach unto Heaven, and so can we drop by God’s house whenever we want just to say ‘hey.’”
  4. And everyone else was like, “Sure,” and so was this construction began.
  5. And the Lord saw what men were building, and said, “Dammit, if they finish that thing we’ll never get any privacy up here. I need My Me time.”
  6. And the Lord came down to Earth and met with that guy from earlier, and said, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” And the guy said, “We’re building a city and a tower that it may reach into the heavens.”
  7. And the Lord said, “I see. And I take it you have a permit to do that, right?” And the guy said, “Permit? What the hell are you talking about?” And the Lord said, “Oh, you don’t know what permits are? That’s a shame… it’s this thing that uh… says you’re allowed to build here. But you don’t have one, so obviously…” And the man said, “Oh.” And the Lord said, “Yeah, obviously you can’t build here. Since you’re not allowed to since you don’t have a permit.”
  8. And the man said, “Well where can we get these permits?” And the Lord said, “Well permit offices haven’t been invented yet. And won’t be for a few thousand years actually.” And the guy said, “Well then what are we supposed to do?” And the Lord said, “I don’t know.” And the guy said, “What do you mean you don’t know? You’re God.” And the Lord said, “Well I don’t know, you have free will so do whatever you want. You could spend your days hitting on chicks for all I care, just don’t build anything without a permit.” And the guy said, “Well fine, maybe I will just hit on chicks all day.” And the Lord said, “Fine, do that then.” And the guy said, “Fine, I will.” And the Lord said, “Fine.”
  9. And so it was that men who build things always hit on women, and if they build without a permit so to shall they be hit with a “fine.”
  10. Now these are the generations of Shem, and Shem begat Arphaxad after the great flood:
  11. And Shem became a celebrity chef and started his own restaurant called “Le Crème Garçon,” and lived his dream until he died.
  12. And Arphaxad begat Salah:
  13. And Arphaxad got shipped off to military school, and after the army he became one of the pioneering developers of bungee jumping.
  14. And Salah begat Eber:
  15. And Salah, well – Salah got really into the ‘60s, and no one ever saw him again.
  16. And Eber begat Peleg:
  17. And Eber became an architect,
  18. And Peleg begat Reu:
  19. And Peleg became a contractor, and Eber and Peleg started out small designing playground equipment, but they became multimillionaires when they invented mini-malls.
  20. And Reu begat Serug:
  21. And Reu married Wendy Peffercorn and had nine kids, and bought Vincent’s Drugstore and they still own it to this day.
  22. And Serug begat Nahor:
  23. And Serug became a professional wrestler; you know him as The Great Hambino.
  24. And Nahor begat Terah:
  25. And Nahor played triple-A ball but never got to the majors, and he owns his own business now and he coaches a little league team that his sons play on called the Heaters.
  26. And Terah begat Abram, Nahor again somehow, and Haran.
  27. Now these are the generations of Terah:
  28. And of Haran who begat Lot:
  29. And Abram and Nahor took unto them wives: And the name of Abram’s wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor’s wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, so Nahor straight-up married his first cousin who was also his great-granddaughter.
  30. But Sarai was barren; she was kicked in the uterus by an angry mule who she cut ahead of in the “Crème Garçon: Premature Crème express line.”
  31. And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran, and Sarai his daughter in law; and they went forth with him into the land of Canaan; and they came unto the city of Haran, and dwelt there.
  32. And after Terah pickled The Beast, his reputation spread throughout the land, and from then on he was known as Terah “The Jet” Terah, and the nickname stuck with him for the rest of his life.