Genesis Chapter 9 – “See Thy Rainbow”

  1. And the Lord blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, “Alright so I’m gonna have to start life on this planet over again for the third time, and I really don’t want to do that, so I’m delegating some responsibility unto you guys. I’m trusting you, even though I definitely know that I shouldn’t. But I’m going to do it anyway.
  2. “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the Earth. Pretty self-explanatory; just keep fuckin’ each other until there’s billions of you. I’m sure you can all handle that. Shem, I know that might be a little difficult for you, you definitely take after your great great great great great great great great grandfather, but you’re gonna have to manage.
  3. “All the beasts of the Earth shall fear you, and of the fowl of the air and the fishes of the sea, so too will they fear you. You can keep eatin’ ‘em, you’re just gonna have to hunt them from now on. Oh, and for the love of Me, please don’t eat each other, okay? I feel like that’s super obvious and I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’m gonna say it anyway.”
  4. And Noah said, “Actually it’s a good thing you did. It was only a matter of time before someone tries to eat Ham.”
  5. And Ham said, “What the fuck, dad?” And Noah said, “What? We were all thinking it.”
  6. And Shem and Japheth shook their heads, for they were indeed not thinking it.
  7. And Ham said, “This is the worst family ever. If anyone so sheds my blood, so to shall their blood be shed. That’s a good rule, right, God?”
  8. And the Lord said, “Uhhhh yeah, sure. I can’t see that contradicting anything I’ll say in the future.”
  9. And Noah said, “By the way, how long until the next apocalyptic flood? Should I get started on a second Ark?”
  10. And God said, “Oh, no, I’m not doing that again.”
  11. And Noah said, “What’ll it be then, fire? Earthquakes? Space rocks, like I said in the beginning?”
  12. And God said, “All I can say is that I promise you I’m not going to make another flood.”
  13. And Noah said, “How do we know you won’t go back on that?”
  14. And God said, “Um, because I’m fucking God and you should just believe Me. But if it makes you feel any better, you can just look up for one of these.”
  15. And God cast a rainbow in the sky, and said, “This happens when sunlight is refracted by water droplets in the atmosphere after it rains. So every time there’s a storm, you can-”
  16. And Noah said, “Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, science is dumb. Thanks but I’m just gonna build a bunker like any sane person would.”
  17. And the Lord said, “Goddamnit. I can’t deal with this shit anymore… I’m gonna go make a planet where it’s just therapists.”
  18. And the Lord left Noah and his wife and his sons and his son’s wives to rebuild the world and get down ‘n’ freaky in the biblical sense.
  19. And Noah began to be a husbandman, which means something totally different than what I thought it meant.
  20. And Noah planted a vineyard, and drank of the wine of the vineyard.
  21. And so was Noah drunken, and passed out in his tent because the guy who had constructed the largest, sturdiest vessel of all time couldn’t figure out what houses are.
  22. And Ham entered the tent of his father, and saw the drunkenness of his father.
  23. And Ham did then draw penises all over Noah’s face, and told his brethren without.
  24. And Shem and Japheth did see what Ham had done, and Shem said, “What hath you done to father?”
  25. And Ham said, “I drew penises on his face,” and Shem said, “Yes but why?” And Ham said, “It’s a joke,” and Shem said, “How is that a joke?” And Ham said, “Because, it’s penises. And they’re on his face. Look, there’s a penis over there, there’s a penis over there. And look, look at that one by his nose. Do you see what it’s doing to his nose? Do you get it?” And Shem said, “I mean, I get what it’s doing to his nose, I just don’t get how that’s a joke.” And Ham said, “Well, whatever. Japheth gets it.”
  26. And Japheth shook his head, for he too did indeed not get it.
  27. And Noah did awoken from his drunkenness, and Shem told him what his brother hath done, and Noah did not believe him for no one had invented mirrors.
  28. And Noah said, “Curse you, Shem, for having me believe false rumors, and cursed be Ham for maybe drawing penises on my face. And cursed be Japheth for being much too quiet which freaks everyone out. You’re all cursed.”
  29. And Noah again was overcome with drunkenness, and Ham said, “Whoa… dad’s a wizard.”