Genesis Chapter 7 – “Build Me an Ark”

  1. Now Lamech begat Noah, and Noah was a herder of sheep.
  2. And Noah begat three sons, and they were Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
  3. And the Lord knew that Noah was the most obedient of His creations, and the Lord walked with Noah.
  4. And Noah said, “Holy shit, where did you come from?”
  5. And the Lord said, “Behold, for I am your Creator, He who hath formed the Earth and every living thing upon it.”
  6. And Noah said, “For real?” And the Lord said, “Yes, for real.”
  7. And Noah said, “Well it’s a pleasure to meet You, Creator! Hey, I’ve got a couple of questions, actually. First of all, what did You form the Earth out of? What exactly happens when we die? Also, do You make people gay, or do they choose to be?”
  8. And the Lord said, “Earth bits, haven’t thought about it yet, and I gave every human one of eighty-seven different sexual orientations. But none of that is important right now. I call upon you, My son, with a task.”
  9. And Noah said, “What task does the Lord ask of me?”
  10. And the Lord said, “I have seen that My creations have become corrupt and wicked and undeserving of the life I have given them, and so shall I make a flood to wash over the Earth and drown out the wickedness.”
  11. And Noah said, “Whoa, that seems a little harsh. Can’t you just like, I don’t know, make it better yourself?”
  12. And the Lord said, “Noah, who’s the God here? Who’s the all-knowing, all-powerful being? Is it you? Because I don’t think it’s you.”
  13. And the Lord made Noah feel stupid, and Noah said, “You’re right, I’m sorry. So where do I come in?”
  14. And the Lord said, “I need you to construct an ark and with this ark thou shalt herd every animal of every sort, and thou shalt herd them in twos, one male and one female, and thou shalt keep them in the ark, and thou and thy wife and thy sons and thy sons’ wives shall be safe from the rising waters of the Earth.”
  15. And Noah said, “Yea do I know little of ship building.” And the Lord said, “Then let thy sons help you.”
  16. And Noah said, “Okay, an ark. Yeah, shouldn’t be a problem. You want that made out of gopher wood?”
  17. And the Lord said, “I don’t know what that is.” And Noah said, “Gopher wood. You know, the wood that gophers build forts out of.”
  18. And the Lord said, “What the fuck are you talking about? Just build a goddamn boat that can house all six and half million or so species that live on land, I don’t care what you make it out of.”
  19. And Noah said, “Oh shit, that’s a lot of species. What’s that come to, like, three hundred cubits long? Maybe fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits tall?”
  20. And the Lord said, “Do you even know what a cubit is? That’s not nearly big enough; you have to think about food and fresh water for thirteen million creatures, plus waste management, enough space that non-domesticated creatures can roam around without eating each other… I mean, this thing needs to be pretty massive.”
  21. And Noah said, “This is starting to sound physically impossible. Are you sure you’ve totally thought this through? Because I feel like there might be better ways to go about this… like, maybe you could just throw rocks from the sky or something.”
  22. And the Lord said, “Noah, for fuck’s sake, I’m fucking God, okay? Don’t you think that if God – and I mean literally God – asks you to do something, maybe He’s got your best interests in mind? Just maybe?” And Noah hung his head and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
  23. And the Lord said, “No shit I’m right. Now there’s just one other thing. I need you to only take the dumb animals with you. The ones that are so dumb they can’t even speak. Think you can do that?”
  24. And Noah said, “I shall do what the Lord hath commanded of me,” and it was so.
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