Genesis Chapter 8 – “Flood”

  1. Now Noah and his sons did complete the ark and herded all of the animals by twos into the ark, and Noah and his sons and their wives boarded the ark.
  2. And the waters of the Earth rose up and overcame the Earth, and a great storm covered the Earth, and all the beasts of the Earth that were not on the ark had perished, and all the men who perished were heathens for believing that this was due simply to climate change and not the wrath of God.
  3. And Noah’s sons were Shem, Japheth and Ham, and Shem often cooked but not seriously, more of a hobby.
  4. And on the first night Shem decided he would cook the first meal but did not tell his father, for he knew Noah would rant about how cooking is the wife’s job and Shem wished not to open that can of worms.
  5. So Shem approached his brother Ham, and he said unto him, “Where hath you stored the rations for our voyage?”
  6. And Ham said, “It was not my duty to storeth the rations,” and Shem said, “Yes it was, father specifically ordered you to ‘herd extra rations,’ I was there when he asked you of it.”
  7. And Ham said, “Shit, I thought he said ‘hoard excess dachshunds,’ so I packed like forty wiener-dogs in my stateroom.”
  8. And Shem was wrought at the stupidity of his brother, and Ham said, “Dude, just chill. I didn’t realize you weren’t into hotdogs, we’ll find something else.”
  9. And Shem and Ham searched the ship for extra food to eat, but yea could they only find a literal can of worms that Shem did not wish to open.
  10. And it was upon the lido deck that Shem and Ham did find creatures of the Lord’s Earth that would not be missed, and they were dinosaurs.
  11. And the brothers herded the dinosaurs by sevens into the galley, and they slaughtered the beasts and kept their meat, and so was there enough food that Noah and his sons and their wives could eat.
  12. And now there were dinosaur bones everywhere, and Shem knew that Noah would be wrought to know that over seven hundred species hath gone extinct in his care, and Shem ordered his brother to dispose of every bone, and Ham threw every bone overboard when no one was looking.
  13. And Ham suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so before he hath thrown away every bone so to did he arrange them into perfectly complete skeletons, and the skeletons sunk into the waters and were mixed in with the Earth, and that’s what fossils are, so shut up you stupid atheists.
  14. And now forty days had passed, but actually one hundred and fifty days had passed, and it was so that after three hundred and seventy-five days that God realized He had completely forgotten about Noah, and God ceased the waters from rising and cleared the skies, and He calmed the winds and mopped up the excess waters.
  15. And Noah sent out a raven to see if the Earth was dry, and the raven did not return, and Noah said, “Let’s just sit tight.”
  16. And after seven days Noah sent out a dove, and the dove did not return also, and Noah said, “Alright, just a bit longer.”
  17. And after seven more days Noah sent out a falcon, and Noah did not know that the Earth was dry and the raven and dove had already found homes, and the falcon did eat the raven and the dove, and it did not return.
  18. And Noah’s wife said, “Why don’t we just look out the window?” and Noah said, “You’re the one who’s always saying we need to de-clutter the ark. Let me do this my way, I’m the captain,” and Noah continued to send out bird after bird, and the falcon was pleased.
  19. And when God saw that Noah had not yet set foot off the ark, He came to Noah and said that it was okay to leave.
  20. And God said to Noah, “Go and bring with thee every creature you have herded, and then be fruitful and multiply, for surely the inbreeding will cause the animals to grow weak in mind and will never be able to speak again.”
  21. And Noah was builded an altar unto the Lord, and gathered every clean animal he could see and sacrificed them for the Lord.
  22. And the Lord saw what Noah had done and could not believe it, for Noah’s one job was to keep and preserve the animals and he waited until just now to fuck it all up.

Genesis Chapter 7 – “Build Me an Ark”

  1. Now Lamech begat Noah, and Noah was a herder of sheep.
  2. And Noah begat three sons, and they were Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
  3. And the Lord knew that Noah was the most obedient of His creations, and the Lord walked with Noah.
  4. And Noah said, “Holy shit, where did you come from?”
  5. And the Lord said, “Behold, for I am your Creator, He who hath formed the Earth and every living thing upon it.”
  6. And Noah said, “For real?” And the Lord said, “Yes, for real.”
  7. And Noah said, “Well it’s a pleasure to meet You, Creator! Hey, I’ve got a couple of questions, actually. First of all, what did You form the Earth out of? What exactly happens when we die? Also, do You make people gay, or do they choose to be?”
  8. And the Lord said, “Earth bits, haven’t thought about it yet, and I gave every human one of eighty-seven different sexual orientations. But none of that is important right now. I call upon you, My son, with a task.”
  9. And Noah said, “What task does the Lord ask of me?”
  10. And the Lord said, “I have seen that My creations have become corrupt and wicked and undeserving of the life I have given them, and so shall I make a flood to wash over the Earth and drown out the wickedness.”
  11. And Noah said, “Whoa, that seems a little harsh. Can’t you just like, I don’t know, make it better yourself?”
  12. And the Lord said, “Noah, who’s the God here? Who’s the all-knowing, all-powerful being? Is it you? Because I don’t think it’s you.”
  13. And the Lord made Noah feel stupid, and Noah said, “You’re right, I’m sorry. So where do I come in?”
  14. And the Lord said, “I need you to construct an ark and with this ark thou shalt herd every animal of every sort, and thou shalt herd them in twos, one male and one female, and thou shalt keep them in the ark, and thou and thy wife and thy sons and thy sons’ wives shall be safe from the rising waters of the Earth.”
  15. And Noah said, “Yea do I know little of ship building.” And the Lord said, “Then let thy sons help you.”
  16. And Noah said, “Okay, an ark. Yeah, shouldn’t be a problem. You want that made out of gopher wood?”
  17. And the Lord said, “I don’t know what that is.” And Noah said, “Gopher wood. You know, the wood that gophers build forts out of.”
  18. And the Lord said, “What the fuck are you talking about? Just build a goddamn boat that can house all six and half million or so species that live on land, I don’t care what you make it out of.”
  19. And Noah said, “Oh shit, that’s a lot of species. What’s that come to, like, three hundred cubits long? Maybe fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits tall?”
  20. And the Lord said, “Do you even know what a cubit is? That’s not nearly big enough; you have to think about food and fresh water for thirteen million creatures, plus waste management, enough space that non-domesticated creatures can roam around without eating each other… I mean, this thing needs to be pretty massive.”
  21. And Noah said, “This is starting to sound physically impossible. Are you sure you’ve totally thought this through? Because I feel like there might be better ways to go about this… like, maybe you could just throw rocks from the sky or something.”
  22. And the Lord said, “Noah, for fuck’s sake, I’m fucking God, okay? Don’t you think that if God – and I mean literally God – asks you to do something, maybe He’s got your best interests in mind? Just maybe?” And Noah hung his head and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
  23. And the Lord said, “No shit I’m right. Now there’s just one other thing. I need you to only take the dumb animals with you. The ones that are so dumb they can’t even speak. Think you can do that?”
  24. And Noah said, “I shall do what the Lord hath commanded of me,” and it was so.