Genesis Chapter 6 – “Methuselah”

  1. Now Methuselah was a fisherman and so lived off the sea.
  2. And Methuselah caught a fish, and the fish was worrisome.
  3. And the fish said, “Listen, human, you need to put me back. ‘Else there’ll be some real trouble heading your way.”
  4. And Methuselah said, “I am a fisherman, I have heard it all before.”
  5. And the fish said, “No, buddy, you don’t understand. I’m in the middle of some pretty serious shit here and if you eat me you’re involving yourself in it. It’s in your best interest for you to just let me go.”
  6. And Methuselah said, “God has given man dominion over the creatures of the land and of the sea, and commandeth us to eat of his bounty.”
  7. And the fish said to Methuselah, “Yeah? Well I got news for you, landy, the Big Fish Upstairs ain’t all He’s cracked up to be. There’s some bounty out there He don’t want you knowin’ about.”
  8. And Methuselah said, “Of what bounty dost thou speak?” And the fish said, “No, forget about it. I’ve said too much already.”
  9. And Methuselah said, “I will return thee to the sea if thou whilst tell me of the bounty that the Lord hath hidden from man.”
  10. And the fish said “Fuck you, I’m not helping another landy.” And Methuselah said, “Suit thyself,” and he gutted the fish and ate of it.
  11. Then Methuselah did look in the briefcase of the fish and found a fruit.
  12. And Methuselah ate of the fruit.
  13. Now centuries did pass and Methuselah did not age or tire, and wounds on his body would not show.
  14. And Methuselah said, “Yea can I use this to pick up some babes.”
  15. And it was so, and many babes were picked up by he.
  16. And Methuselah begat Lamech, and Methuselah did one day trip and fall into a ravine.
  17. And Methuselah became stuck in the ravine, and decades did pass.
  18. And Methuselah prayed until the Lord did answer his call.
  19. And Methuselah said, “Please, O Lord, end my misery, for I have been here for years and do not grow weary with death.”
  20. And the Lord said, “Why has thou not aged?” And Methuselah said, “Time passed and I have not tired, and a fruit I have eaten doth made me this way.”
  21. And the Lord grew angry when he saw Methuselah, and said, “Why the fuck don’t you humans just do what you’re told? When God gives you a command you’re all like ‘eh, maybe I’ll get to it at some point,’ but when a goddamn animal tells you to do something you practically line the fuck up to do what it says. You know what? Fuck this. No more talking animals, I don’t know why I thought this was cool.”
  22. And the Lord left Methuselah in the ravine, and Methuselah prayed that one day James Franco would make a movie about him.
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