Genesis Chapter 5 – “Seth”

  1. Eve found herself now with no sons to herd the sheep or till the ground, and so convinced Adam to lay with her.
  2. And Eve bore a son, and called him Seth.
  3. And Seth tended to the sheep while Eve tilled the ground, and Adam had taken up scrapbooking.
  4. And soon did Seth grow curious of the world the Lord hath given man.
  5. And Seth said unto Eve, “What of Cain and Abel before me? What lay beyond the land I see before me?”
  6. And Eve said unto her son, “The Lord God commanded we not ask of such things.”
  7. And Seth could not be satisfied by his mother, and so set out to see that which the Lord hath created.
  8. And Seth came to find that the Earth was plentiful with life and man had dominion over it.
  9. And Seth wandered the Earth and was a stranger in the land.
  10. And Seth did find employ at Shepherd, Shepard & Shepheard, but yea did he work as a janitor.
  11. And it came to be that a partnership would be offered to any employee who could solve a complex shepherding equation.
  12. And Seth did solve the equation.
  13. And Jack Shepard did meet with Seth, and he asked, “Who is it that hath solved this equation?”
  14. And Seth said, “It was I, the janitor.”
  15. And Jack Shepard said, “Surely your parents were shepherds before you?” And Seth said, “my parents were Adam and Eve of Eden.”
  16. And Jack Shepard mistook Seth for his brother Abel who had been hired but never appeared.
  17. And Seth was given the job of his brother.
  18. And Seth did work his way up the corporate shepherding ladder, and was praised for his ability to shep.
  19. And now did Seth did fall for Jack Shepard’s wife did, and he did her.
  20. And Shepard’s wife bore a son for Seth, and his name was Enos.
  21. Now Shepard did grow suspicious, for he had not the ability to progenize since microwaving his loins to combat that harsh desert winter.
  22. And Shepard again met with Seth, and said unto him, “Has’t thou known my wife the way a man knows his woman?”
  23. And Seth said, “Nay, I have known her the way a man knows the woman of his boss, which is way hotter.”
  24. And Shepard was then fallen into a rage, and struck Seth.
  25. And Seth then approached the board of Shepherd, Shepard & Shepheard, and had Shepard fired for misconduct.
  26. And Seth raised Enos in wealth, and Enos was a shepherd after his father,
  27. And Enos begat Cainan, and Cainan was a traveling salesman,
  28. And Cainan begat Mahalaleel, and Mahalaleel was a speech therapist who specialized in getting people to pronounce his name,
  29. And Mahalaleel begat Jared, and Jared was a magician,
  30. And Jared begat Enoch, and Enoch was a bum and did nothing, and Enoch begat Methuselah.
  31. And in age Adam and Eve were childless, and did not again hear from Cain, or Abel, or Seth, or God. And Eve looked to her husband and thought humanity would surely die with them, and so was befallen unto a deep, existential crisis for which her husband could give her no respite.
  32. And Eve could no longer serve her husband, who cared only for designing their clothes and frequently vocalizing his appreciation of the male figure, and so she left Adam in search of herself.

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