Genesis Chapter 4 – “Cain”

  1. After much convincing Eve had her husband lay with her, and so bore a son Cain.
  2. And again was a son bore to her, and his name was Abel. And Abel was a herder of sheep, and Cain tilled and dressed the ground.
  3. And Cain found that the Lord oft invited Abel to barbeques and concerts for which Cain received no such word.
  4. And Cain grew wroth with God, for surely He respected Abel more than He respected he.
  5. And the Lord said, “Cain, it’s not a big deal, for Abel and I just have more things in common. Why artst thou being such a dick about it?”
  6. So one day Abel returned from the flock and had been blessed with a job offer from Shepherd, Shepard & Shepheard, for the Lord hath used some connections at the biggest shepherding firm in the land.
  7. And Cain said, “This is bullshit, I thought we were the only four people in existence. Why doth my brother get everything?” And Cain grew even wrother and fled.
  8. Then Abel came to Cain and said unto his brother, “Why shant thou be contented with thine lot?”
  9. And Cain said, “Nay, thou has a lot and I have a little,” and Cain grew wrothest and slew his brother.
  10. Now Cain did at once freak out and feared what the Lord may do to him once He discovered His friend was slain, so Cain called Patrick the Walrus to help him dispose of the body.
  11. And the two worked into the night to bury Cain’s brother, and Patrick the Walrus said, “Brother you need to learn to chill out, lest you start slayin’ everything in sight. I ain’t got the time for that. Damn.”
  12. And Cain said, “I know, Patrick, but not all of us can be as cool as you.” And Patrick the Walrus said, “Shit, I know it. Ain’t nobody as cool as me. Damn.”
  13. And Patrick the Walrus let Cain hide at his home until things cooled over.
  14. And the Lord did seek out Abel on the next day, and the Lord doth find him buried in the ground.
  15. And the Lord said unto Abel, “Who hath slain you?”
  16. And Abel did not speak, for he was dead.
  17. And the Lord sought out Cain, for He knew he had slain his brother.
  18. And Cain was hiding from the Lord in Patrick the Walrus’ party den, where a party had been going on nonstop for decades.
  19. And Cain had never felt more pleased, and said, “Is this how you live?” And Patrick the Walrus said, “Sho’ ‘nuff. Damn.”
  20. And a Dalmatian did approach Cain and said, “Hey, I spotted you from across the party. You’re kind of cute.” And Cain said, “So too are you.”
  21. And the Dalmatian said, “You know, I’ve never been with a human before.” And Cain said, “Me neither.”
  22. Then the Lord did appear and break up the party.
  23. And the Lord said unto Cain, “Why hath you slain your brother?”
  24. And Cain said, “Why hath you blessed my brother and not me? Why doth my brother be more favorable in the eyes of the Lord?”
  25. And the Lord said, “Because you fucking complain all the time. It’s like when we go to a movie and you spend an hour afterwards dissecting it and pointing out all the little flaws. Like you can’t just fucking enjoy something, you always have to win and act like you know everything and like you could’ve done it better. I mean, I literally do know everything, but do you ever see me bragging about it? No. Patrick the Walrus is right, you just need to chill the fuck out for once in your goddamn life.”
  26. And the Lord then banished Cain to the land of Nod where he lived out his days in a loveless marriage.
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