Genesis Chapter 3 – “Original Sin”

  1. Now the snake came unto Eden having learnt to speak from a YouTube tutorial, and he came unto the woman saying, “hey babe, what time those legs open?”
  2. And woman was flattered for Adam had not yet known his wife, and the snake said, “I know where the Lord keeps the good stuff if you’re down to party.”
  3. And yea was the woman down to party but said unto the snake, “the Lord God hath commanded not to eat of the tree of knowledge, lest we die.”
  4. And the snake said unto woman, “don’t be a jabroni, babe, for all the cool beasts of the field and the Earth are eating of this tree, even Patrick the Walrus,” and the snake spoke true, for all the beasts wished to be as cool as Patrick the Walrus and the woman did not wish to be a jabroni,
  5. So the woman picked of the tree of knowledge and ate of its fruit, knowing then of shame for all who eat of the tree know good and evil as the Lord does, and the woman took the fruit to her husband so that he might eat and also know good and evil.
  6. And woman said unto Adam, “eat my fruit,” and Adam said unto her, “we talked about this, honey, and yea can I not look upon it without feeling confused and wishing it resembled mine.”
  7. And woman said, “I mean the fruit of my hands, for in consuming it thou whilst know good and evil,” and Adam ate of the fruit his wife had given him and both had grown ashamed of their nakedness, and went to purchase clothing from the nearest Kohl’s.
  8. Then returned the Lord form a long day of fixing the universe, and He saw that His tree of knowledge had been plucked of its fruit, and the Lord summoned Adam and his wife, saying, “who hath eaten of the fruit of this tree?”
  9. And Adam said unto the Lord God, “I have partaken of the tree, for the woman gave me its fruit so I could eat.”
  10. And God said, “hast thou given a name to thy woman?” and Adam said, “no.”
  11. And God said, “let Me get this straight. I commanded you to disregard the tree of knowledge, to name everything and to tend to the garden, and in your 8 hours of existence you’ve completely ignored two of My commands? The commands of He who hath breathed life into you?”
  12. And Adam said, “well the garden’s doing okay, I planted like three tomato seeds so those should turn out nicely.”
  13. And the Lord said, “Goddamnit, Adam, you know I have to kill you now.”
  14. And the woman said, “’tis not his fault, for I was tricked by the snake into the taking of the fruit.”
  15. And the Lord God thought things over for a moment, and He said, “fine, I won’t killist thou because then I would have to start over and I’ve been recreating everything all day. It’s like trying to rewrite a document you deleted without saving, only it’s the entire Goddamn universe. You cannot fathom my frustration.
  16. “So shall the punishment of woman be that thy must serve thy husband and shall have desires only for him, not snakes or other men, and thy shalt also be in sorrow when thy brings forth a child and when thy child is conceived, and enmity shall exist between husband and wife.
  17. “As for man, thou must struggle with thorns on the plants of thy garden.”
  18. And the woman said, “seriously? I mean, I know I was the one who brought Adam the fruit, but that seems a little unfair. In fact, I’m starting to feel a little underrepresented already, especially-”
  19. And Adam interrupted his wife, saying, “honey, just do what the Lord hath command of you, okay? You’re being a bitch.”
  20. And Adam called his wife Eve, hoping that she would Eventually stop talking.
  21. And the Lord sayeth, “Behold has man become as one of us gods as to know good and evil, and so shall man be driven from Eden before he eateth of the tree of life and become everlasting and undying as the gods above him.”
  22. And Adam said, “wait, are you saying there’s another fruit that makes us immortal?”, and Eve said, “and why do you keep saying ‘gods’ plural? Are there more of you?”
  23. And the Lord said, “Okay, the questions are getting incredibly annoying. Just shut the fuck up. If you have any other questions, I don’t care. I really don’t care. Please just shut the fuck up.”
  24. And the Lord God drove man out of Eden and instructed Adam to tend to his garden elsewhere; and the Lord God locked man out of the garden of Eden forever, so it might never be seen again by human eyes nor detected by human instruments. Sorry.

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