Genesis Chapter 6 – “Methuselah”

  1. Now Methuselah was a fisherman and so lived off the sea.
  2. And Methuselah caught a fish, and the fish was worrisome.
  3. And the fish said, “Listen, human, you need to put me back. ‘Else there’ll be some real trouble heading your way.”
  4. And Methuselah said, “I am a fisherman, I have heard it all before.”
  5. And the fish said, “No, buddy, you don’t understand. I’m in the middle of some pretty serious shit here and if you eat me you’re involving yourself in it. It’s in your best interest for you to just let me go.”
  6. And Methuselah said, “God has given man dominion over the creatures of the land and of the sea, and commandeth us to eat of his bounty.”
  7. And the fish said to Methuselah, “Yeah? Well I got news for you, landy, the Big Fish Upstairs ain’t all He’s cracked up to be. There’s some bounty out there He don’t want you knowin’ about.”
  8. And Methuselah said, “Of what bounty dost thou speak?” And the fish said, “No, forget about it. I’ve said too much already.”
  9. And Methuselah said, “I will return thee to the sea if thou whilst tell me of the bounty that the Lord hath hidden from man.”
  10. And the fish said “Fuck you, I’m not helping another landy.” And Methuselah said, “Suit thyself,” and he gutted the fish and ate of it.
  11. Then Methuselah did look in the briefcase of the fish and found a fruit.
  12. And Methuselah ate of the fruit.
  13. Now centuries did pass and Methuselah did not age or tire, and wounds on his body would not show.
  14. And Methuselah said, “Yea can I use this to pick up some babes.”
  15. And it was so, and many babes were picked up by he.
  16. And Methuselah begat Lamech, and Methuselah did one day trip and fall into a ravine.
  17. And Methuselah became stuck in the ravine, and decades did pass.
  18. And Methuselah prayed until the Lord did answer his call.
  19. And Methuselah said, “Please, O Lord, end my misery, for I have been here for years and do not grow weary with death.”
  20. And the Lord said, “Why has thou not aged?” And Methuselah said, “Time passed and I have not tired, and a fruit I have eaten doth made me this way.”
  21. And the Lord grew angry when he saw Methuselah, and said, “Why the fuck don’t you humans just do what you’re told? When God gives you a command you’re all like ‘eh, maybe I’ll get to it at some point,’ but when a goddamn animal tells you to do something you practically line the fuck up to do what it says. You know what? Fuck this. No more talking animals, I don’t know why I thought this was cool.”
  22. And the Lord left Methuselah in the ravine, and Methuselah prayed that one day James Franco would make a movie about him.

Genesis Chapter 5 – “Seth”

  1. Eve found herself now with no sons to herd the sheep or till the ground, and so convinced Adam to lay with her.
  2. And Eve bore a son, and called him Seth.
  3. And Seth tended to the sheep while Eve tilled the ground, and Adam had taken up scrapbooking.
  4. And soon did Seth grow curious of the world the Lord hath given man.
  5. And Seth said unto Eve, “What of Cain and Abel before me? What lay beyond the land I see before me?”
  6. And Eve said unto her son, “The Lord God commanded we not ask of such things.”
  7. And Seth could not be satisfied by his mother, and so set out to see that which the Lord hath created.
  8. And Seth came to find that the Earth was plentiful with life and man had dominion over it.
  9. And Seth wandered the Earth and was a stranger in the land.
  10. And Seth did find employ at Shepherd, Shepard & Shepheard, but yea did he work as a janitor.
  11. And it came to be that a partnership would be offered to any employee who could solve a complex shepherding equation.
  12. And Seth did solve the equation.
  13. And Jack Shepard did meet with Seth, and he asked, “Who is it that hath solved this equation?”
  14. And Seth said, “It was I, the janitor.”
  15. And Jack Shepard said, “Surely your parents were shepherds before you?” And Seth said, “my parents were Adam and Eve of Eden.”
  16. And Jack Shepard mistook Seth for his brother Abel who had been hired but never appeared.
  17. And Seth was given the job of his brother.
  18. And Seth did work his way up the corporate shepherding ladder, and was praised for his ability to shep.
  19. And now did Seth did fall for Jack Shepard’s wife did, and he did her.
  20. And Shepard’s wife bore a son for Seth, and his name was Enos.
  21. Now Shepard did grow suspicious, for he had not the ability to progenize since microwaving his loins to combat that harsh desert winter.
  22. And Shepard again met with Seth, and said unto him, “Has’t thou known my wife the way a man knows his woman?”
  23. And Seth said, “Nay, I have known her the way a man knows the woman of his boss, which is way hotter.”
  24. And Shepard was then fallen into a rage, and struck Seth.
  25. And Seth then approached the board of Shepherd, Shepard & Shepheard, and had Shepard fired for misconduct.
  26. And Seth raised Enos in wealth, and Enos was a shepherd after his father,
  27. And Enos begat Cainan, and Cainan was a traveling salesman,
  28. And Cainan begat Mahalaleel, and Mahalaleel was a speech therapist who specialized in getting people to pronounce his name,
  29. And Mahalaleel begat Jared, and Jared was a magician,
  30. And Jared begat Enoch, and Enoch was a bum and did nothing, and Enoch begat Methuselah.
  31. And in age Adam and Eve were childless, and did not again hear from Cain, or Abel, or Seth, or God. And Eve looked to her husband and thought humanity would surely die with them, and so was befallen unto a deep, existential crisis for which her husband could give her no respite.
  32. And Eve could no longer serve her husband, who cared only for designing their clothes and frequently vocalizing his appreciation of the male figure, and so she left Adam in search of herself.

Genesis Chapter 4 – “Cain”

  1. After much convincing Eve had her husband lay with her, and so bore a son Cain.
  2. And again was a son bore to her, and his name was Abel. And Abel was a herder of sheep, and Cain tilled and dressed the ground.
  3. And Cain found that the Lord oft invited Abel to barbeques and concerts for which Cain received no such word.
  4. And Cain grew wroth with God, for surely He respected Abel more than He respected he.
  5. And the Lord said, “Cain, it’s not a big deal, for Abel and I just have more things in common. Why artst thou being such a dick about it?”
  6. So one day Abel returned from the flock and had been blessed with a job offer from Shepherd, Shepard & Shepheard, for the Lord hath used some connections at the biggest shepherding firm in the land.
  7. And Cain said, “This is bullshit, I thought we were the only four people in existence. Why doth my brother get everything?” And Cain grew even wrother and fled.
  8. Then Abel came to Cain and said unto his brother, “Why shant thou be contented with thine lot?”
  9. And Cain said, “Nay, thou has a lot and I have a little,” and Cain grew wrothest and slew his brother.
  10. Now Cain did at once freak out and feared what the Lord may do to him once He discovered His friend was slain, so Cain called Patrick the Walrus to help him dispose of the body.
  11. And the two worked into the night to bury Cain’s brother, and Patrick the Walrus said, “Brother you need to learn to chill out, lest you start slayin’ everything in sight. I ain’t got the time for that. Damn.”
  12. And Cain said, “I know, Patrick, but not all of us can be as cool as you.” And Patrick the Walrus said, “Shit, I know it. Ain’t nobody as cool as me. Damn.”
  13. And Patrick the Walrus let Cain hide at his home until things cooled over.
  14. And the Lord did seek out Abel on the next day, and the Lord doth find him buried in the ground.
  15. And the Lord said unto Abel, “Who hath slain you?”
  16. And Abel did not speak, for he was dead.
  17. And the Lord sought out Cain, for He knew he had slain his brother.
  18. And Cain was hiding from the Lord in Patrick the Walrus’ party den, where a party had been going on nonstop for decades.
  19. And Cain had never felt more pleased, and said, “Is this how you live?” And Patrick the Walrus said, “Sho’ ‘nuff. Damn.”
  20. And a Dalmatian did approach Cain and said, “Hey, I spotted you from across the party. You’re kind of cute.” And Cain said, “So too are you.”
  21. And the Dalmatian said, “You know, I’ve never been with a human before.” And Cain said, “Me neither.”
  22. Then the Lord did appear and break up the party.
  23. And the Lord said unto Cain, “Why hath you slain your brother?”
  24. And Cain said, “Why hath you blessed my brother and not me? Why doth my brother be more favorable in the eyes of the Lord?”
  25. And the Lord said, “Because you fucking complain all the time. It’s like when we go to a movie and you spend an hour afterwards dissecting it and pointing out all the little flaws. Like you can’t just fucking enjoy something, you always have to win and act like you know everything and like you could’ve done it better. I mean, I literally do know everything, but do you ever see me bragging about it? No. Patrick the Walrus is right, you just need to chill the fuck out for once in your goddamn life.”
  26. And the Lord then banished Cain to the land of Nod where he lived out his days in a loveless marriage.

Genesis Chapter 3 – “Original Sin”

  1. Now the snake came unto Eden having learnt to speak from a YouTube tutorial, and he came unto the woman saying, “hey babe, what time those legs open?”
  2. And woman was flattered for Adam had not yet known his wife, and the snake said, “I know where the Lord keeps the good stuff if you’re down to party.”
  3. And yea was the woman down to party but said unto the snake, “the Lord God hath commanded not to eat of the tree of knowledge, lest we die.”
  4. And the snake said unto woman, “don’t be a jabroni, babe, for all the cool beasts of the field and the Earth are eating of this tree, even Patrick the Walrus,” and the snake spoke true, for all the beasts wished to be as cool as Patrick the Walrus and the woman did not wish to be a jabroni,
  5. So the woman picked of the tree of knowledge and ate of its fruit, knowing then of shame for all who eat of the tree know good and evil as the Lord does, and the woman took the fruit to her husband so that he might eat and also know good and evil.
  6. And woman said unto Adam, “eat my fruit,” and Adam said unto her, “we talked about this, honey, and yea can I not look upon it without feeling confused and wishing it resembled mine.”
  7. And woman said, “I mean the fruit of my hands, for in consuming it thou whilst know good and evil,” and Adam ate of the fruit his wife had given him and both had grown ashamed of their nakedness, and went to purchase clothing from the nearest Kohl’s.
  8. Then returned the Lord form a long day of fixing the universe, and He saw that His tree of knowledge had been plucked of its fruit, and the Lord summoned Adam and his wife, saying, “who hath eaten of the fruit of this tree?”
  9. And Adam said unto the Lord God, “I have partaken of the tree, for the woman gave me its fruit so I could eat.”
  10. And God said, “hast thou given a name to thy woman?” and Adam said, “no.”
  11. And God said, “let Me get this straight. I commanded you to disregard the tree of knowledge, to name everything and to tend to the garden, and in your 8 hours of existence you’ve completely ignored two of My commands? The commands of He who hath breathed life into you?”
  12. And Adam said, “well the garden’s doing okay, I planted like three tomato seeds so those should turn out nicely.”
  13. And the Lord said, “Goddamnit, Adam, you know I have to kill you now.”
  14. And the woman said, “’tis not his fault, for I was tricked by the snake into the taking of the fruit.”
  15. And the Lord God thought things over for a moment, and He said, “fine, I won’t killist thou because then I would have to start over and I’ve been recreating everything all day. It’s like trying to rewrite a document you deleted without saving, only it’s the entire Goddamn universe. You cannot fathom my frustration.
  16. “So shall the punishment of woman be that thy must serve thy husband and shall have desires only for him, not snakes or other men, and thy shalt also be in sorrow when thy brings forth a child and when thy child is conceived, and enmity shall exist between husband and wife.
  17. “As for man, thou must struggle with thorns on the plants of thy garden.”
  18. And the woman said, “seriously? I mean, I know I was the one who brought Adam the fruit, but that seems a little unfair. In fact, I’m starting to feel a little underrepresented already, especially-”
  19. And Adam interrupted his wife, saying, “honey, just do what the Lord hath command of you, okay? You’re being a bitch.”
  20. And Adam called his wife Eve, hoping that she would Eventually stop talking.
  21. And the Lord sayeth, “Behold has man become as one of us gods as to know good and evil, and so shall man be driven from Eden before he eateth of the tree of life and become everlasting and undying as the gods above him.”
  22. And Adam said, “wait, are you saying there’s another fruit that makes us immortal?”, and Eve said, “and why do you keep saying ‘gods’ plural? Are there more of you?”
  23. And the Lord said, “Okay, the questions are getting incredibly annoying. Just shut the fuck up. If you have any other questions, I don’t care. I really don’t care. Please just shut the fuck up.”
  24. And the Lord God drove man out of Eden and instructed Adam to tend to his garden elsewhere; and the Lord God locked man out of the garden of Eden forever, so it might never be seen again by human eyes nor detected by human instruments. Sorry.