Genesis Chapter 2 – “Entering Eden”

  1. Thus the heavens and the Earth were close to being done, but there was some work that was still needed,
  2. But on the seventh day God took His union mandated break which would last an eternity, and so all of creation was determined complete by Him.
  3. And God blessed the seventh day and thanked Himself for a day that He could just sit down and watch the game in peace without being disturbed by His creations or His work.
  4. And then literally 10 fucking minutes into His day off, the Lord God saw that His creation had fallen into chaos;
  5. For the beasts of the Earth had hunted man to extinction and consumed the herb and the fruit, and woman had died of exposure, and the birds of the heavens had not known of the herb on the ground and the whales of the sea had gotten all fat and lazy.
  6. And the Lord God sighed and figured He had best do something about it now while He was in the mood to deal with it.
  7. And God formed man again but of the dust of the ground instead of His own image, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man thought that was pretty gross.
  8. And the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, the least trashy region of the Earth.
  9. And out of the ground God remade every tree that is good for food and for shade; and the tree of life also sprout upeth in the garden so a blueprint of life was there in case God had to redo everything again, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil sprout upeth because the Lord God had nowhere else to put it while He renovated the Earth.
  10. And a river ran through Eden to water the garden, and out of Eden it came into four heads.
  11. The name of the first is Pison: that it is which encompass the land of Havilah, where there is gold;
  12. And the gold of that land is good, but it’s pricey.
  13. And the name of the second river is Gihon: that it is that encompasseth Ethiopia, becauth the lanth from thothe part’th of the Earth were moithtureleth in the thoil.
  14. And the name of the third river is Hiddekel; and the fourth river is Euphrates, and there really isn’t anything special about them.
  15. And God placed man in the garden of Eden so that he may dress it and keep it, and leave God alone while He fixed everything.
  16. And God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest eat; but of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou must never eat, for in the day thou eat of this tree thou shalt surely die.”
  17. And the man said, “That sounds like a bit of an oversight,” and the Lord God said to the man, “I just have nowhere to place it right now.”
  18. And then the man sayeth to God, “But are you saying that as like a threat? Like if I eat it you’re gonna punish me with death? Or is it just poisonous and I’ll die from actually eating things from it?”
  19. And the Lord God responded, “Look, if I command you not to eat something, then just don’t eat it, okay? It shouldn’t matter why,” and the Lord God sprout upeth from the Earth all the beasts and fowls from earlier but with a few modifications, and brought them to the man and instructed him to name them.
  20. And the Lord God sayeth, “So for example I’m going to call you Adam. That’s your name. You do that with all of these creatures, you tend to the garden, you don’t think about that tree, and that’s everything you do until I’m back. Got it?”
  21. And Adam asked for a companion to assist in his duties, and God agreed if it would shut him up.
  22. And the Lord God caused Adam to fall under a deep sleep, and God removed one of Adam’s ribs and made of it a woman.
  23. And Adam awoke and saw his woman and he was pleased, and Adam asked the Lord God, “why hath you made woman of one of my ribs, and not of the dust You made me?”
  24. And the Lord God said, “I don’t know, you had like 12 of them. Look, I really have to get going. Keep doing the naming thing.”
  25. And the Lord God left Adam and his woman so that they may tend the Garden of Eden and name the beasts, and though they were naked, God did not give them so much as a blanket.
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