Genesis Chapter 1 – “Creation”

  1. In the beginning there was nothing. Well, actually there was God, but obviously that doesn’t count. And God saw the nothingness and out of it created the heaven and the Earth.
  2. And the Earth was shapeless and lucid, shrouded in darkness.
  3. And God said, “Let there be light,” which was strange because there really wasn’t anyone who could hear Him. But regardless, the hydrogen atoms within the Sun of the Earth were given mass and gravity so that they may fuse together, emitting photons with which to light the Earth.
  4. And God saw that the light was good.
  5. And God called the lighted regions of the Earth day and the dark regions of the Earth night. And God rotated the Earth such that day and night would move about the Earth, and they came: the first day.
  6. And God decided to hold back on forming the rest of the universe and just focus on one planet for most of the week because He felt He had earned it.
  7. And God said again to no one in particular, “Let there be a firmament above the waters that may divide the waters from the waters,” because God also created the waters of the Earth on the first day, I forgot to mention that. And God made the firmament, such that this firmament was above the waters that were below the firmament and that the waters beneath it were divided by the firmament above, and the firmament was over the divided waters which had been divided by the firmament because the firmament had divided it, having been placed above the waters below, which were divided by the firmament.
  8. And God called the firmament Heaven, and another evening and morning marked the second day.
  9. And God said, “No, this is much too wet,” and God dried parts of the Earth such that dry land could appear.
  10. And God called the dry land Earth; and the waters he called the Seas: and God saw that it was alright.
  11. And God said, “Let the Earth bring forth grass and seed and fruit of every kind which would yield its seed in itself upon the Earth.”
  12. And the Earth brought forth grass and seed and fruit of every kind which yielded its seed in itself, and God chowed down since He hadn’t eaten in like three days.
  13. And then the evening and the morning came, and marked the third day.
  14. And God said, “Let there be lights in the firmament and let them be for signs and seasons and making out under:
  15. “And let them light the Earth at night as the Sun does at day,” and it was so.
  16. And God copied the Sun and the Earth to His clipboard and pasted them across the cosmos,
  17. And God altered these copies until giving up and just sticking with His original design,
  18. And the other Suns became the stars of the firmament of the heavens.
  19. And then the evening came and then the morning: the fourth day.
  20. And God said, “Let the waters bring forth an abundance of creatures that may swim in the waters and soar above the Earth.”
  21. And God created a slew of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons which given time and subjected to interstellar medium conditions would form nucleotides, amino acids and other protein building blocks to allow for the storage of basic genetic information and cellular RNA reproduction.
  22. And God said, “Okay this is taking forever,” and halted the process altogether and created all the creatures of the waters and that which lived in the firmament, and God created whales, the people of the ocean, and birds, the fish of the sky.
  23. And God saw the life that He created, and saw that it was good, and there was an evening and morning, and it was the fifth day.
  24. And God said, “Let there be creatures who walk among the Earth, and let them be beasts that hunt and small furry things that sit and creeping things that freak people out because variety is the spice of this life thing I just invented,”
  25. And God made all the beasts and creatures that roam the Earth.
  26. And God said, “Let there be man and woman to walk among the Earth, and let them have dominion over every living thing and rule over the Earth so that when it all goes to shit I will be free of blame.”
  27. And God created man and woman to walk the Earth, and created man in His own image for the sake of vanity.
  28. And God blessed man and woman and gave them dominion of the creatures of the Earth and all that moveth upon it.
  29. And God said, “Behold, I have given you the herb and tree which bear fruit that you may eat from it and be plentiful,
  30. “And the creatures of the Earth may also eat the herb and the fruit of the tree, and actually you can go ahead and eat all the animals too, I don’t really care,” and it was so.
  31. And God saw all that He created, and He saw that it was a good start, and there was an evening and a morning, and it was the sixth day.
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