Genesis Chapter 2 – “Entering Eden”

  1. Thus the heavens and the Earth were close to being done, but there was some work that was still needed,
  2. But on the seventh day God took His union mandated break which would last an eternity, and so all of creation was determined complete by Him.
  3. And God blessed the seventh day and thanked Himself for a day that He could just sit down and watch the game in peace without being disturbed by His creations or His work.
  4. And then literally 10 fucking minutes into His day off, the Lord God saw that His creation had fallen into chaos;
  5. For the beasts of the Earth had hunted man to extinction and consumed the herb and the fruit, and woman had died of exposure, and the birds of the heavens had not known of the herb on the ground and the whales of the sea had gotten all fat and lazy.
  6. And the Lord God sighed and figured He had best do something about it now while He was in the mood to deal with it.
  7. And God formed man again but of the dust of the ground instead of His own image, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man thought that was pretty gross.
  8. And the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, the least trashy region of the Earth.
  9. And out of the ground God remade every tree that is good for food and for shade; and the tree of life also sprout upeth in the garden so a blueprint of life was there in case God had to redo everything again, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil sprout upeth because the Lord God had nowhere else to put it while He renovated the Earth.
  10. And a river ran through Eden to water the garden, and out of Eden it came into four heads.
  11. The name of the first is Pison: that it is which encompass the land of Havilah, where there is gold;
  12. And the gold of that land is good, but it’s pricey.
  13. And the name of the second river is Gihon: that it is that encompasseth Ethiopia, becauth the lanth from thothe part’th of the Earth were moithtureleth in the thoil.
  14. And the name of the third river is Hiddekel; and the fourth river is Euphrates, and there really isn’t anything special about them.
  15. And God placed man in the garden of Eden so that he may dress it and keep it, and leave God alone while He fixed everything.
  16. And God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest eat; but of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou must never eat, for in the day thou eat of this tree thou shalt surely die.”
  17. And the man said, “That sounds like a bit of an oversight,” and the Lord God said to the man, “I just have nowhere to place it right now.”
  18. And then the man sayeth to God, “But are you saying that as like a threat? Like if I eat it you’re gonna punish me with death? Or is it just poisonous and I’ll die from actually eating things from it?”
  19. And the Lord God responded, “Look, if I command you not to eat something, then just don’t eat it, okay? It shouldn’t matter why,” and the Lord God sprout upeth from the Earth all the beasts and fowls from earlier but with a few modifications, and brought them to the man and instructed him to name them.
  20. And the Lord God sayeth, “So for example I’m going to call you Adam. That’s your name. You do that with all of these creatures, you tend to the garden, you don’t think about that tree, and that’s everything you do until I’m back. Got it?”
  21. And Adam asked for a companion to assist in his duties, and God agreed if it would shut him up.
  22. And the Lord God caused Adam to fall under a deep sleep, and God removed one of Adam’s ribs and made of it a woman.
  23. And Adam awoke and saw his woman and he was pleased, and Adam asked the Lord God, “why hath you made woman of one of my ribs, and not of the dust You made me?”
  24. And the Lord God said, “I don’t know, you had like 12 of them. Look, I really have to get going. Keep doing the naming thing.”
  25. And the Lord God left Adam and his woman so that they may tend the Garden of Eden and name the beasts, and though they were naked, God did not give them so much as a blanket.
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Genesis Chapter 1 – “Creation”

  1. In the beginning there was nothing. Well, actually there was God, but obviously that doesn’t count. And God saw the nothingness and out of it created the heaven and the Earth.
  2. And the Earth was shapeless and lucid, shrouded in darkness.
  3. And God said, “Let there be light,” which was strange because there really wasn’t anyone who could hear Him. But regardless, the hydrogen atoms within the Sun of the Earth were given mass and gravity so that they may fuse together, emitting photons with which to light the Earth.
  4. And God saw that the light was good.
  5. And God called the lighted regions of the Earth day and the dark regions of the Earth night. And God rotated the Earth such that day and night would move about the Earth, and they came: the first day.
  6. And God decided to hold back on forming the rest of the universe and just focus on one planet for most of the week because He felt He had earned it.
  7. And God said again to no one in particular, “Let there be a firmament above the waters that may divide the waters from the waters,” because God also created the waters of the Earth on the first day, I forgot to mention that. And God made the firmament, such that this firmament was above the waters that were below the firmament and that the waters beneath it were divided by the firmament above, and the firmament was over the divided waters which had been divided by the firmament because the firmament had divided it, having been placed above the waters below, which were divided by the firmament.
  8. And God called the firmament Heaven, and another evening and morning marked the second day.
  9. And God said, “No, this is much too wet,” and God dried parts of the Earth such that dry land could appear.
  10. And God called the dry land Earth; and the waters he called the Seas: and God saw that it was alright.
  11. And God said, “Let the Earth bring forth grass and seed and fruit of every kind which would yield its seed in itself upon the Earth.”
  12. And the Earth brought forth grass and seed and fruit of every kind which yielded its seed in itself, and God chowed down since He hadn’t eaten in like three days.
  13. And then the evening and the morning came, and marked the third day.
  14. And God said, “Let there be lights in the firmament and let them be for signs and seasons and making out under:
  15. “And let them light the Earth at night as the Sun does at day,” and it was so.
  16. And God copied the Sun and the Earth to His clipboard and pasted them across the cosmos,
  17. And God altered these copies until giving up and just sticking with His original design,
  18. And the other Suns became the stars of the firmament of the heavens.
  19. And then the evening came and then the morning: the fourth day.
  20. And God said, “Let the waters bring forth an abundance of creatures that may swim in the waters and soar above the Earth.”
  21. And God created a slew of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons which given time and subjected to interstellar medium conditions would form nucleotides, amino acids and other protein building blocks to allow for the storage of basic genetic information and cellular RNA reproduction.
  22. And God said, “Okay this is taking forever,” and halted the process altogether and created all the creatures of the waters and that which lived in the firmament, and God created whales, the people of the ocean, and birds, the fish of the sky.
  23. And God saw the life that He created, and saw that it was good, and there was an evening and morning, and it was the fifth day.
  24. And God said, “Let there be creatures who walk among the Earth, and let them be beasts that hunt and small furry things that sit and creeping things that freak people out because variety is the spice of this life thing I just invented,”
  25. And God made all the beasts and creatures that roam the Earth.
  26. And God said, “Let there be man and woman to walk among the Earth, and let them have dominion over every living thing and rule over the Earth so that when it all goes to shit I will be free of blame.”
  27. And God created man and woman to walk the Earth, and created man in His own image for the sake of vanity.
  28. And God blessed man and woman and gave them dominion of the creatures of the Earth and all that moveth upon it.
  29. And God said, “Behold, I have given you the herb and tree which bear fruit that you may eat from it and be plentiful,
  30. “And the creatures of the Earth may also eat the herb and the fruit of the tree, and actually you can go ahead and eat all the animals too, I don’t really care,” and it was so.
  31. And God saw all that He created, and He saw that it was a good start, and there was an evening and a morning, and it was the sixth day.